Once upon a time...

there was a boy.

He was a good boy.

He was a silly, goofy boy.

He was a smart boy.

Then all hell broke loose.

My son has mental illness, Schizoaffective disorder with a history of bi-polar. We, as a family, have been trying to deal with this for many years. As the illness progressively gets worse the one with the mental illness rules our world.

I am trying to get our world back to somewhat normal. I am writing to try and connect with others who are affected by mental illness and to clear my mind of all the stuff that rolls around in it. I want to share thoughts, ideas, and resources. I really want my son back to the way he used to be, but I will settle for alive.

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Bi-Polar
Kenny Smith

I hate myself, I'm the biggest piece of shit,
I'm a chicken, problems arise, I just run from it,
No confidence in myself, people I don't talk to,
Feelings of worthlessness, always in the blue.

Hate life, every night I think of how to die,
Suicide three times, so hard i did try,
In my room i cut because of the guilt and shame,
Always fucking up, it's I, I choose to blame.

In my deep dark hole, comfort from it i sit,
My face I hate, every little single bit,
I'm fat and ugly, no one likes me, even me,
So many times I've wanted to hang from that god forsaken tree.

Suicides I attempted, why the fuck didn't they work,
Want to be in Hell, have Satan as my clerk,
Always in self-pity, life, just fucking end,
I hate you all, I'm part of no fucking trend.

Always alone weather I'm with you or not,
My temper is outrageous, I get extremely hot,
If I could get away with it, I'd kill you all,
Life, I never succeed, every single time I just fall.

When you read this I hope you fucking cry,
Feel the pain I feel every time I want to die,
Now you know, every part of me i so god damn hate,
I cannot wait until the end, my very own fate.

What you just read is the evil that is within,
But now I'm so happy, here it is, let's begin!

Not afraid of anything, I rise up from the underground,
Loving everyone in sight, also everything that's around,
What's on my face? A smile, never that sad frown,
I have confidence in myself, no one can put me down.

I choose to love myself because i am great,
You people I love, I will never hate,
Worthlessness and self-pity, huh? They don't exist,
I' so freaking happy, shit I'm never piste.

My laugh is hysterical, rubs off on others,
I love my mom, dad, sisters, and brothers,
Living life to the fullest I now choose,
I have faith in God, I'll never loose.

Take care of responsibilities, care for my family,
Help others when they're in need, I'm friendly,
Don't think of suicide cause that's the easy way out,
I'll live my life cause I want to see what it's about.

If I mess up I can give myself a break,
I'm true to my friends, I'm never fake,
Through everything it's me who will be by your side,
The most caring, loving person, you'll never have to hide.

As you read, you may cry, make them tears of joy, I'm alive,
Pushing forward I feel you and I will forever strive,
That tree i talked about, It's actually beauty,
Now that being said, don't worry, cause guess what? I love me for me!