Saturday, December 1, 2012

Lost to a Girl

We have lost Kenny to a girl. Normally we would be very excited about this but this girl is different. She is very controlling and has her own set of issues. They have moved into one bedroom of a dirty flophouse. I don't think he is taking his medications because I haven't been picking up and paying for any.

We are waiting for the crash...

We did get him to go on a Caribbean cruise with us in November. His older brother got married.


Friday, October 5, 2012

Parable of the Origami Bird

I found Sarah Hancock on Facebook. I like what she writes.


Parable of the Origami Bird
by Sarah Hancock

This evening I had a simple, yet profound realization. It all began this morning when my work sent me to an origami class. I was to learn the folding, memorize the steps and return to my work. Upon returning, I was to teach others how to make an origami bird. We were learning how to make these origami birds to provide centerpieces for a recognition dinner.
I was promised the origami would be basic. Personally, I’m not the most coordinated person, nor do I have a good memory. The idea of being placed in charge of not only learning but then teaching something I was completely clueless about was kind of intimidating. And then I saw the finished product.
The “easy to make” origami swan.
It wasn’t exactly basic. Dismayed, I looked at that swan thinking, Ha! Right! I can’t do that. But the teacher assured us we could.
Sitting at the table, staring at this masterfully made paper swan, I seriously questioned whether I was up to the task. I just had to follow eight steps to fold a little triangle. I watched the teacher carefully, kept an eye on those sitting near me, and folded a teeny, tiny triangle. I started folding paper.
I’ll admit, I messed up a couple of times, folding paper in the wrong direction. When my shape started looking different from those around me, I tried to figure it out on my own and then asked my neighbor what I’d missed. He showed me.
I fixed the mixed-up step and finished making my little triangle. It was pretty easy. In fact, it was surprisingly easy. To make the swan, I had to fold 205 triangles. Initially the entire thing seemed pretty daunting, but one triangle at a time, the triangles became easier and easier to fold. I had no idea how to stick the triangles together to make that swan, but I had a growing pile of triangles.
I returned to my jobsite with this newfound knowledge, inviting people to join with me in making the swan. We’d been supplied with a multi-color assortment of tiny, rectangular pieces of paper. We could make our swan whichever color (or colors) we wanted.
Initially, people stared at me with that doubtful look in their eyes. (It was probably the exact same look I’d given the teacher earlier that morning.) There were some people who came right over, willing to try their paper-folding skills. Others just shook their head, mumbling they couldn’t do it. Those who were willing to give it go sat down with me and together we started folding paper.
Initially it was frustrating for some. Others picked up their teeny rectangles, folding them into perfect triangles on the first try. Some people gave up after a couple of confusing folds. Still others watched from a distance until after witnessing their peers do it, they came over and joined in the fun.
At first we celebrated each time someone followed a step correctly. Then as we got used to that, we started celebrating each completed triangle. Oddly enough, once having figured out how to fold the triangle, it became fun — relaxing even. Soon, carefully folded, multi-colored triangles began piling up. We felt pretty accomplished over having folded close to 100 triangles. Better than that, we felt unified in purpose. Our goal, folding enough papers into a beautiful swan, seemed achievable.
Often times in life we are told to make the proverbial origami bird. I’ll liken this ornately folded bird to living with a mental illness. Initially (upon experiencing symptoms or getting a diagnosis), a person will stare dumbfounded at the scattered shreds of paper, wondering how on earth she could ever make anything good out of it. Perhaps a loved one or child was just diagnosed with a disorder and you find yourself sitting in the doctor’s office, stupefied. In your mind’s eye, all hopes and dreams for your loved one seem shredded and lying scatted before you. Maybe you wonder, How can you live with this? How can you fold your bird?
Initially when I was diagnosed, I found myself in this situation. So did my leaders, friends and loved ones. We grappled for answers, kind of like when I was staring at my table mates, striving to fold my paper exactly like them.
Unlike folding white paper into neat little triangles, I discovered my paper was a completely different color. My circumstances were different. For a while, as I kept folding my symptoms into proverbial triangles, I discovered I was starting to accumulate little piles of triangles (coping skills) but I didn’t know how to connect them to make that swan. I wasn’t even sure I was making a swan; maybe I was making something else. Try as I might, I wanted to make that gorgeous swan!
My parents and loved ones wanted me to make that swan! Unfortunately, I truly felt that no matter how hard I worked at folding those stupid little triangles, the best I could possibly hope to become was the ugly duckling. I began looking at myself as the misshapen ugly duckling. Some people in my life looked at me as though all I’d ever be was a pitifully, sad and very ugly duckling. I hadn’t even started piecing together my triangles. I didn’t even know where to begin and neither did my loved ones.
Unlike the steps behind folding tiny triangles, answers to living with symptoms, are not uniform. What works for me won’t necessarily work for you (and vice versa). Some people don’t have a trusted source to teach them how to gather their life’s scraps — collecting the coping tools — to begin folding their symptoms into neat little triangles.
But, as we begin supporting one another in our efforts to make the right folds in life, we need to celebrate each correct fold. Sometimes that fold is celebrated when your loved one takes a shower. Sometimes that fold is celebrated when they have the gumption to leave the house. Perhaps the fold is celebrated after a hard day or week straining to work around symptoms. Whatever the fold, celebrate it! Don’t take it for granted. It’s a step in the right direction, a fold towards getting a triangle.
Triangles, a slightly larger achievement, come in all different colors. Maybe it’s the color achieved by having a clean bedroom for a week. Maybe it’s the color of going for a month without overdrawing the checking account. Maybe it’s the color of not requiring hospitalization for a month (or a year). Maybe it’s the colored triangle of taking a class, finishing your GED or embarking on a college degree.
Whatever color your triangle is, it, too, is worthy of celebration because it, too, leads to becoming that proverbial origami bird. All birds are different and beautiful in their own right. With support, tender loving care and patience, everyone with a mental health diagnosis — regardless of the severity — can become a colorful and even breathtakingly amazing, beautiful and unique origami masterpiece.
Like origami birds, people with mental health diagnoses can be all lovely, and all different.
If you’re wondering how to fold your symptoms into triangles, reach out! I recommend looking into the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill (NAMI), America’s frontrunner in mental health education (www.nami.org). There are NAMI classes in most U.S. cities. Attend an educational class like “peer-to-peer” or “family-to-family”. Classes are taught by real life people who’ve found real life solutions. There are similar resources in other countries, too!
You can check out how to make an origami swan at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2kV0exIHTQ0 Embrace your colors and have fun, one tiny fold at a time.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Free At Last

Kenny is no longer on probation. He made in through.

I think I still wish there were weekly drug tests though. He says he is 5 months clean and sober. I hope so.

He is working part time, going to meetings, taking his meds and going to doctors appointments.

Things are not where they should be though. Kenny is not living at home. He is with someone we don't approve of. This person is very controlling. He can't see it and he seems to be happy, so we our letting it go, so with that we do not see him.

It seems as though all the time I have put in for him as yielded nothing. Now that he is on the road to recovery we don't get to see him. But, BUT, he is clean and sober, he is working, he is alive.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Home Again Home Again Jiggity Jig!

Kenny has been home from jail for just over a week now. When he got out he had all these wonderful plans; no smoking, stop dating a girl, stop going to a certain meeting. Big plans.

They didn't last. He was smoking as soon as he stepped foot out of the door to the jail. He started seeing the girl the next day and went to that meeting that he said was no good.

But, he has stayed sober. He has called his former boss and they are going to lunch. He is doing errands around the house. He is going to the gym. He is helping with his sister.

He is alive, sober, and doing something productive. I can live with that.

Friday, July 13, 2012

Dear Kenny

When in the silent grove I sleep
and weeping willows on me weep
tis then dear heart and not before
that I shall think of you no more.

Love always,
mom

(This poem was found in a box of old scrapbooks I had. It reflects how I feel about all of my children.)

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Change

I can hear a change in his voice when he calls on the phone. He sounds good. He has been promoted in the group and has led a few discussions. He talks about going back to school when he gets out.

Why am I still scared?

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

C.A.T.S.

Correction Addictions Treatments Systems that is the name of the treatment plan that Kenny will be doing, in jail, for the next 3 months.


It is suppose to be a very good program. I will wait and see.


All I know is right now he is safe, sober and alive. That's all I need.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

No News Isn't Always Good News

Kenny is back in jail. He has been in for about 3 weeks. He has absolutely no impulse control at all. None, nada, zilch, zip.
I don't know what will happen from here. The prosecuting attorney wants to keep him locked up for the rest of his sentence, but the judge and probation officer want to get him into some type of facility. His attorney told him today that they might have found an out-patient rehab. We've tried that before. We've tried a lot of things before.
We were thinking about taking him off our insurance so he could get state assistance and qualify for an in-patience rehab. But...there's always a but. Because he was denied SSI he can't apply for medicaid for another year. We were told to apply for SSI first, but in reality you should apply for medicaid first. All this just goes with the flow of our lives.We did find out that we can keep him covered on our insurance then if and when he does get medicaid it will serve as a supplemental insurance.
We have told him we won't continue to support him in this lifestyle. He is using his mental illness and addiction to get away with things. I don't want that to sound wrong or harsh. We are well aware of his mental illness and what it does to him. We do acknowledge that he has a MI, that's why he has gotten away with so much stuff. But, we also know Kenny. We called him on his behavior and he said he was using his illness to get out of doing a lot of things.
This is so hard.

I found this blog today and a wonderful video that broke my heart. If the name was changed to Kenny it would be a perfect fit.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

A Girl

Kenny is seeing someone. She is very nice. I hope it lasts for a while. She dyed Easter eggs with Lily and did her nails. That is always a good sign when they get along with Lily.




Thursday, March 15, 2012

Crash and Burn

I knew Kenny was to happy and to funny for to long.

I knew this day was coming.

He is in his bed not wanting to move. He is done for a while.

We will wait.

We did get to celebrate his 23rd birthday while he was happy which was good.

 This is one of the cakes he got. His GrandMary made this for him.


This is what his dog Ryker did to the cake before we got a chance to eat it.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

180


Kenny has been doing okay. Not great, not bad, just okay.
I talked to him about doing a 180 with his life for 3 months. No heavy metal music, work longer, hang out with a different crowd.
He can't do it. Not completely.
He cut down listening to the really evil music. He has gone to a few really fun activities at our church that are for the young single adults.
I want more of an effort out of him. I'm not angry or upset with him. Maybe I am disappointed.  I don't know.
He says he wants to change. He wants to take a class in writing. He wants to work more.
He's stuck.
I can't unstick him.

Monday, January 30, 2012

Phases


“One must still have chaos in oneself to be able to give birth to a dancing star.”
~Friedrich Nietzsche


Kenny is doing well. He is working. He is going to meetings. He is reading his poetry. 

He got acknowledged for his poem  - 



Phases of my life

This piece by poetryofaheadcase has received a Highly Commended in my Phases of Concrete Clothing competition.
Poetryofaheadcase has won a sticker set from my Concrete Apparel range.
The honesty of this piece is what struck everyone who read it. The length and the softly lilting rhymes lead from peak to valley often throughout the piece and the phases theme comes across strongly.
___
Can I tell you some secrets 
About true parts of my life
The phases I go through
Being happy
Being blue
Knowing everything too
And not having a clue where I’ve been
It all started when I was 17
I was clean
Not mean
And wanted a queen
I needed someone to lean on
A reason to stay alive
I found drugs
High five
Suddenly people appeared 
The pot cleared my mind
I feared nothing while I was drinking
And it stopped my thinking
That’s when my ship started sinking
I went to the doctors one day
He had me take a survey
With a display of situations
Do you obey
Do you betray
How do you play
Does this take your smile away
There was absolutely no moray that day
It was all grey
Not okay
And it caused dismay
There was in no way
Any allay in what he told me
I’m sorry to say
But I see an absentee key chemical in your brain
It’s why you’ve been acting insane
It’s the main cause of your pain
Why you can’t maintain a job
You try to obtain to refrain from complaining 
But can’t
Lot of people will remain inhumane to your condition
In addition
Your ambition will be in submission
An apparition if you will
That’s when my hope started to unfill
Times started getting hard
So I decided to try to kill myself
The carbon monoxide started to fill my lungs
I laid still for hours
Then I got a shrill and chill through my body
It was God’s will
Keeping me alive
God arrived and revived me
I survived
I derived and contrived a new plan
To become a happy man
Stronger than ever
Achieve anything
So I began partying more
For a year or more
I would pour out the shots
Score with women
And started to adore and explore drugs galore
Before I knew it
I didn’t know what I was doing anymore
And fell into addictions trap door
There was infliction of friction in my life
My problems were nonfiction
Affliction on my family
I didn’t know what to do
So I had my dad give me a benediction
It was good
Not bad
I was glad and not sad
I ended up going into a sober program
I started growing and showing improvements
Being sober started slowing my mind
My eyes started glowing
I began knowing myself
Life was flowing great
At the rate I was at
I didn’t hate myself
Could walk straight
Take girls on a date
Didn’t underrate myself
Then 
A change of state
I met Lady Lucifera 
I was yet to know
She’d be a threat to my life
Brunette
With a fiancee 
We abet to beget
In other words
We fucked
We had or duet
But I’ll never forget the day
She treated me a certain way
It upset me to the point
I tried suicide again
I cried
Should have died
I’d cut my wrists
Supplied my body with over 200 pills
Sat in a flood tide shower
For over an hour
The devil was beside and inside me
I was acting like Jekyll and Hyde
Upside down
Inside out
About dead
Then saved by a devout friend
I thought it was my end
Luckily I didn’t ascend to the heavens
Or descend to hell
Doctors did mend my cuts
Forever, I commend my friend
I can’t comprehend why I didn’t die
So I started to try to get high again
Fly in the sky
Put fry in my eye
Thought drugs were my ally
Would rely on them
I’d lie, cheat and steal
Drugs made me not feel
I started to deal
Concealed them in an ideal gym bag
It was a big ordeal
I thought I was the shit
Surreal
Unreal
Pulled over in my automobile
The cops did unseal the gym bag
Revealed the mushrooms and pot
A knot in my stomach 
I got caught
Not in a great spot
Brought to jail
Sat in a cell
It was hell
I got out
And I’ll tell you
All started to go well
I’d undergo a sober life once more
Being sober was a bestow
I’d grow, know and glow
Although
She walked in
Thin 
Soft skin
Breath taking grin
Our love did begin
Fast pace
It was a blast
Our love didn’t outlast a month
The last thing she did
Was brake up with me over facebook
What a rook, right
I wasn’t alright
I lost my might
And used the knife that night
What a new delight
Helped me when I was uptight
Took away my spite
Made me feel alright
The despite of others
Would make me contrite my soul
But I stayed sober a whole 7 months
A goal was to stop cutting
But I didn’t drop the knife for over a year
My dear body has over 70 scars now
How I couldn’t handle life
I wouldn’t be happy for months
Why I did it again
I don’t know
I was so lonely and low
The only solution was suicide
My body got a distribution of 150 pills
Pollution to my person
The resolution was an institution 
No restitution to my mind
I got out once more to find drugs
Ended up behind bars again
Before I went in
I drove my car 75 mph into a cement barrier
Suicide once more
I wanted to be far from this life
Only a few cuts is all
After that
My view changed
I grew
Broke through the other side
Today I construe God’s plan
Thank you for reading
This has a lot of meaning
See
Today I’m sober
Happy
Free
And don’t want to be anyone but ME!




Monday, January 9, 2012

Ryker

Ryker is Kenny's dog. He is a good dog, although a little naughty. He is big enough to get up to the countertop and eat anything that has been left out. Need I say more.

The other day Lily had come home not feeling well. We were sitting watching t.v. when I noticed Ryker was having a full blown seizure. His whole body was in convulsions. He couldn't bark or even whimper. He couldn't walk or stand. He had a blank stare. I felt so bad for him.

I loaded Ryker and Lily in the car and headed to the vet. He was fine by the time we got there. The doctor thinks it might be the onset of Epilepsy. They aren't too concerned we just need to watch and record for more seizures. If they get worse we will put him on medicine. We have not seen any more since then.





He has a band-aid on after getting his blood drawn.

Some fun news. Kenny took 5th place in a Tumblr poetry contest. I will hopefully post it tomorrow.

Kenny is doing well.

We are at peace right now.

It is nice.