Monday, June 27, 2011

ARE YOU SLEEPING, CAN YOU HEAR ME

Kenny is sleeping. Hoping to get him to a job interview today.



Are you sleeping, can you hear me
Do you know if I am by your side
Does it matter if you hear me
When the morning comes I'll be there by your side

And in the morning when I wake up
She may be telling me good-bye, la la la la
And in the evening if we break up
I'm wondering why-y-y, I'm wondering why-y-y-y...

There was a time, we had a time
There was a time, we had a time
There was a time, there was a time
When you were mine

We had a time, we had a time
We had a time, oh what a time
There was a time, there was a time
When you were mine

And in the evening if we go out
Night time will find us at the show
Or we may decide to stay inside
You never know, you never know...

Are you sleeping, can you hear me
Do you know if I am by your side
Does it matter if you hear me
When the morning comes I'll be there by your side

La la la la...

Monday, June 20, 2011

Home or Homeless - His Choice

Hubby and Kenny went on a drive and had a talk last night.

Basically shape up or ship out. Hubby generally has a tender approach when talking to his children (if he's angry - watch out though.) but they seem to understand what he is telling them.

I think Kenny understood. Kenny knows that if he screws up he faces 2 years in prison. He tells us he would kill himself instead of sitting in prison for two years. I believe him.

Kenny has almost a year of probation behind him. He has not missed an appointment with Mental Health Court or his probation officer. Mental Health Court was made here in place of drug court (which they also have here). Mental Health Court has a good theory behind it. It is a very praising, patience court that focus' more on the good that you have accomplished rather than the bad. But most people in it are repeat offenders not because they are bad people but because they have mental illness. Most don't fully understand or have the impulse control to stop their behavior before it gets full blown. When they finally see what they have done they feel terrible. Mental Health Court is family for a lot of individuals going there. 

I really would hate to see Kenny fail now. I know that's up to him.

"We" (hubby and I, not Kenny) have a job in mind for Kenny. We are looking into it. Kenny said he would do it. I'm sure I will have to get him up and going the first little while, but once he gets a routine down he does well. 

Clean and sober going on 3 days. Again.

Thank you for your words they make me stronger and better educated. I would rather be better educated in how to knit.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Shrooms

Mushrooms are Kenny's drug of choice. He relapsed on them last night.

He lied to me. He told me I was dropping him off at a sober friends house when I was really dropping him off at an addicts house. He had it planned.

Two of his sober friends showed up at our house at midnight saying Kenny had texted them and he was in a bad place. He had cut himself again.

Of course we jumped and called out the posse.

This time though we didn't pursue him that hard.

His sponsor finally found him and brought him home about 3:30a.m.

We were prepared to leave him in jail had he ended up there.

We are trying not to lose it completely with him and kick him out when he is so down, but we are ready to let him go if he doesn't turn things around. It's too hard on the rest of the family.

Thoughts on how to handle him would be welcome.

Oh yeah it's just barley the second half of June and we have already met our out-of-pocket portion of co-pay for insurance which is $10,000. We'll just put all that on payments, thank you.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Honestly Honesty

Found out today Kenny stole from us before the attempt. He also told me he found where I had hidden his meds and that he had taken extra he has been home.

I'm glad he told me but honestly honesty sucks to hear sometimes.

Monday, June 13, 2011

He's Home and I'm Losing It!

He was safe in lock up. I didn't have to worry about where he was or what he was doing.

He's home now and although he said things have changes and he's happy and teasing I'm fading fast.

He let his med time slip right by. Yes, I have the meds (well now I don't because he overdosed on them and now I have to refill them - hopefully insurance will pay) but shouldn't he have SOME RESPONSIBILITY IN THIS!

He's in his room with the door closed. One of the major things he discussed was not isolating! He has plans to go a ballgame tonight and has forgotten he has an appointment with his therapist.

I would like a week in pysch.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Visiting The Cuckoo's Nest

We have visited Kenny twice in what he calls the Cuckoo's Nest (I found out he has the movie) full of crazy people.

I had to remind him that he was one of those people. He really didn't understand the first few days why he was there. He just wanted out!

Today he was different. His demeanor had changed. I asked what changes they had made to his meds. They took him completely off one which I had questioned why he was ever on. AND... he had to start taking one the way it was prescribed! Imagine that. I tried to get him to take that medicine right, which was three times a day and do think I could get him to do that!?! He just smiled his big beautiful smile at me like he does.

Butthead.

His dad and I are trying to convince him to take advantage of him time there. Go to the groups, don't sleep the whole time, talk with the doctors. He did make it to two groups today. One was outside which I can imagine he ran to since he has been indoors for days. The second was an art class. I asked what they did.  He said they were suppose to paint how they felt, so silly me said did you paint a flower? No, my son painted a skull figure with upside down crosses in it's eyes and blood coming out of it's brain.  He said others drew flowers though. I told him they were probably lying (about their feelings).

I am looking online for a locked and alarmed medicine dispenser.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Psych Ward

Here we come. Well at least Kenny.

The doctor, who looks like he's 17 years old, blue slipped Kenny. The hospital now has control of my son's well-being and he has to do whatever they say.

I warned the "doctor" that I would not be the one telling Kenny that he was going to the psych ward and whoever did tell him should have security on stand by and a sedative ready. I explained that when Kenny got angry at the doctors last time he ripped equipment out of walls and threw a one of the ten men trying to hold him down into a light fixture in the ceiling.

I also told this now wide eyed looking kid that after Kenny is given the overdose of sedatives because he looks like a red hulk with his neck veins popping and eyes bulging that he will sleep the next three days, while he racks up a whooping bill, then I will get a phone call (the first in three days because there is no contact period) and they will tell me to come and get him so he can go home. Go home with no therapy, no intervention, no advice because some person with a medical degree that doesn't give a rat's ass about by son made a decision about his life after talking with him for 5 minutes.

And the cycle starts all over. 

In the meantime I have left a rather nasty message with my son's probation officer who doesn't feel it is necessary to call me back because Kenny is an adult; even though I said in the 1st message that there was a situation with Kenny. Seriously if you had a mother willing to give you information about one of your mentally ill probation clients would you return the call? The second message was a little more clear when I mentioned that Kenny would not be going to his mental health court or probation appointments any time soon as he was in ICU and there was a good chance he might be dead before his court date in July. I told "AGENT E" that if he wanted to come and find Kenny and throw him in prison for not showing up to these appointments to go for it. Out of the weekly appointments that Kenny has had with this man since about September "Agent E" has shown up maybe 10 times. Kenny has never missed an appointment where he has not had an excuse which he has called before hand and gotten approved. Kenny calls every week when this guy doesn't show up. The agent will tell Kenny he will do things but doesn't and won't even return Kenny's calls so why should I feel bad. I'm just overall pissed today.

On the flipside I am thrilled for my nephew Tony Watson who pitched in his first ever major league baseball game tonight and struck out his 2 batters. So happy for him. Just wish his mom were alive to see the thing they dreamed about forever.

He Attempted Again

Kenny attempted suicide again yesterday morning.

He is angry because we found him and took him to the hospital. He is very angry because he failed.

He told us he couldn't even get killing himself right. He told us we had two perfect sons that had girlfriends, jobs and both went to college; we didn't need him.

He called one of the nurses that gave him one on one phenomenal care a "fat, f---ing, bitch, lesbian. He said he was going to come home and get it right next time. She told him she was sorry he had to wake up where he didn't want too, but while he was in her care he would be safe. Then she turned to us and said you know he will do this again and one day might succeed.

We told her we knew. Just like... oh yay we're ready, we're prepared, what will be will be, life goes on with or without him. THAT'S A LOAD OF CRAP!

I want Kenny here! I want him to be happy! I want him to find a job that he at least likes! I want him to find love!

DAMN IT! DAMN IT! DAMN IT!