Thursday, October 27, 2011

Here's Your Sign

He should not have survived. So I hope he takes this as a sign. After 5 attempts he is still here and he has a reason and a purpose to be here. He just has to figure it out.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

And Away He Goes!

Where to begin...

About 2 weeks ago Kenny was court ordered to go to rehab. We found an out patient rehab that insurance would pay for. It worked while he was there but last Thursday night he relapsed and smoked Spice again. Friday I talked with the counselor at rehab and he told me that he though Kenny would qualify for inpatient rehab, which is what we wanted but he had to be evaluated by professionals first. Problem with all this is money. We aren't willing to pay for Kenny anymore, sounds selfish and mean on our part but at some point he has to take responsibility for his life.

So I called his probation officer and told him what was happening. He agreed that it was time for inpatient rehab and the state could make arrangements for him, imagine that! The problem was having to wait for a bed opening and keeping Kenny safe until then... But, the PO got things rolling last week.


Kenny asked if I had talked with his P.O. I told him I had and that he was working on getting him a place to go. By the way Kenny has been asking to go to inpatient rehab. Kenny said he wasn't going to court because he wasn't going to jail one more time. After talking with him and letting him know the plan he agreed to go, but got high one more time. I hate Spice. I took Kenny to court. We had Lily in tow because there was no where else to take her right then. Kenny talked with the doctor in court. For those that do not know Kenny goes to mental health court which is completely different than regular court. They have a doctor, counselors, mental health professionals all there to help support the people going. Kenny admitted to using Spice to the court so the judge put him in cuffs and he was headed back to jail. He knew that it would be short term, just until a bed opened at the rehab. Standing before the judge he asked a favor of the court. He did not want to be handcuffed and taken away in front of Lily (who was already crying). He would turn himself in on his own after we got Lily home. The judge agreed. So we headed home with Kenny and Lily making plans to take the dogs for a quick walk and then getting some dinner before turning himself in.

That didn't happen...

We got home and I went into my room. Kenny grabbed the keys to his car and bolted. Hubby drove up as this was happening and Kenny told his dad goodbye and that he loved him. Hubby asked what was going on and I thought they had gone on a walk with the dogs! Lily was already on the phone with Kenny telling him to come back so they could walk the dogs. He told Lily to put me on the phone. He told me he loved me but there was no way he was going back to jail and he would be ending his life. I talked with him, his dad talked with him, his brother talked with him, his sponsor talked with him none of us could get through to him. Hubby called the Highway Patrol to be on the lookout for the car and alert them as to what was happening.

At the exact same time hubby was talking with UHP dispatch a UHP officer saw Kenny's car on the side of the freeway (he was headed north by the 4th south exit). The officer pulled up behind Kenny to see if he needed help, again he didn't know there was an alert out for Kenny. Kenny saw the officer and floored it. He went 70 mph into a roadside barrier. He bounced off of it and hit a 1/2 ton pickup truck. Besides a few scrapes, bruises, and extremely sore muscles he is fine. The man in the pickup was not hurt. His car is totaled (three cars totaled now - he will not be getting more from us).

The kicker to all this is that the UHP talked with Kenny's PO officer and took Kenny to jail as soon as he was released from the hospital. So instead of just going to jail and waiting for a bed he is now on suicide watch with means he is in a medical room lying naked to a hard gurney with all his sore muscles and only ibuprofen for pain.

After 5 failed suicide attempts he doesn't understand that it is not his time to go. He is still needed here. He will have a story to share with someone and be able to help them but he isn't seeing that right now. He is a very angry, scared, sad, and lonely man.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Razor Blades and Butcher Knives

Razor blades and butcher knives don't mix well with Spice.

Work and smoking Spice with all the other employees don't mix well.

If you don't already know I HATE SPICE!

The "detailing job" ended up being a great way to smoke spice with others, which lead to smoking whenever he could. Of course when he walked in the house I knew he was high. He can't hide it anymore from us. He doesn't realize he acts and looks different.

He didn't care anymore. I asked him to hand over the rest of the Spice but he didn't know where it was. He really had lost it (hubby found it later outside), but I no longer believe a lot of what he tells me. He got mad because I didn't believe him.

Then the real fun began.  He grabbed a razor blade that he had in his night stand (guess I'll start searching his room) and told me this would be on me and I would always feel guilty because he killed himself. I told him I wouldn't feel guilty because it would be his choice, not mine. He went outside with the razor blade and started cutting himself in our front yard!

I called 911. I told them I needed a CIT (Crisis Intervention Trained) police officer, that my son was high on Spice and had mental illness and that they needed to come without lights and sirens. The only trained officer was clear across town. I waited on 911 watching Kenny through the window as he continued to cut his wrist.

He must have sensed something was up because he came into the house and grabbed a butcher knife. I am telling the operator step by step what is happening. Finally after what seemed liked an eternity I saw 5 officers walking up our street. One had his taser ready. They told Kenny to drop the knife. When they did he took 2 big swipes across his wrists. Then he dropped the knife and complied with them.

They took him away to the hospital. I never went outside and I didn't go to the hospital. I was a little rude when the psychologist called and said that he had talked with Kenny and thought he was ready to come home. We did not let him come home.

He is now in jail. After jail he will go to court mandated rehab. Our insurance will only pay for outpatient. The court wants inpatient. If I am paying for it he will go to outpatient.

I have to say that he did call his probation on his own and tell him what he had done. When he went to court on Monday he was well aware and ready for the consequences. I don't know if that's him growing up and taking  a little responsibility for his actions or if he doesn't doesn't give a damn anymore.

As his mom I am hoping he is taking a little responsibility.

And life goes on...