Tuesday, December 27, 2011

A Punch in the Gut

Christmas went well! His job is going well! Over 60 days clean and sober! I'm thinking all is merry and bright.

Then today punched me in the gut and I was right back to reality. It wasn't  something he did though, which is always nice.

He has random court ordered drug testing days. He has to call a number every day and if it says get drug tested then he had darn well better get drug tested. Today he had to get tested. I told him I would take him since there is still a problem with the payment process and the whole insurance mess. I wanted to ask certain questions that I knew Kenny would never get all the answers to. He wouldn't remember the answers anyway.

So we (Kenny, myself, and Lily) walk into the office. Kenny says he's there for a drug test, signs a paper and walks away. He didn't ask one question about payment, not one.

So I step up to the window. I start rambling off a bunch of questions and the guy looks right at me and says "kids can't be in here" I look at Lily who is right beside me. "we have registered sex offenders in here"

What was I thinking! I wasn't! It never once dawned on me! I then scanned the room to see who was looking at my daughter. What were they thinking!?!

I felt sick. I just wanted her out of there. I dont' want to have to do this. I don't want this kind of atmosphere to be our reality. 

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Merry Christmas

That's what I am hoping for anyway.

Kenny has been doing really well. He got a job! He's gone to a few fun activities with the single members of our church, i.e., Christmas party, baking cookies, nothing to much for him to handle. And, he continues to go to AA meetings.

Today he is down though. He is angry. The system is so messed up. They don't know what they are doing with Kenny yet, but they want him to check in, see therapists, and get random UAs. Problem is his probation officer is never there at the assigned appointment time. Our insurance won't pay for court ordered UAs or their therapists. Kenny was told that he would have to pay for his own UAs since insurance wouldn't pay for them. I told him I wouldn't pay for them. He is angry.

He had a friend stand him up this afternoon. Not good! Not good at all. I wish they understood Kenny better and would realize how hard it is on him when they don't follow through with what they say.

So I am hoping for a Merry Christmas but in the back of my mind I am waiting for an explosion.

I hope you and yours have a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Joyous Kwanzaa, or just a really nice relaxing December.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Ducks

Kenny got out of jail on Monday. After 6 weeks of sitting in there waiting to get into an inpatient program called CORE the court decided that Kenny was not "bad enough" for it. So they ordered him into an intensive day treatment program. But, after I told them our insurance would not pay for it and either would I they were once again stumped as to what to do with him.
He got a job offer where the employer is going to make a job for Kenny at his car dealership (not our family member's dealership). He will start him out cleaning the shop, move him to lube, oil, and filter when Kenny's ready and then send him to mechanic school.
Well...the court won't let Kenny take that job until they can decide what to do with him. I feel like we are on a wheel in a very small hamster's cage and we keep running in the same little confined space never getting anywhere!
He has been doing very well since he got out. Going to meetings and doing things around the house. Not using.
Today we took him with us to feed the ducks. He usually doesn't go on these kinds of outings with us. I am so glad he decided to go today. He had fun. He smiled. He laughed. It was good.








The sound of the ducks is almost overwhelming.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Missing Out

Kenny is missing out on life.

We always knew this would happen. We told him this would happen. We would say stuff like life will continue on no matter what you do.

His Grandma died this morning. Most of the family got to say their good byes in person. He wrote her a letter.

I don't know if they will let him out for the funeral or not. They said they might at his last court appointment. But we don't count on anything that the court says until it actually happens. I don't know if getting out for a day and then having to go back would be a good thing for him or not.

I am sad today. Very sad for Kenny.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Self Portrait

Kenny drew this of himself right after high school. He is the black blob.

Friday, November 11, 2011

It's A Waiting Game

Kenny has been in jail since the 24th of October. Mental Health Court doesn't know what to do with him. So until they figure it out he gets to sit in jail.

At least he is safe. Well kindof, he did have a "cellie" threaten to kill him for accidentally waking him up. That cellie has been moved.

Kenny is sending his days reading and trying not to get depressed.

Some "professional" from something called the core program was suppose to be there to interview him the last three Fridays. They have yet to show up.

Their definition of professional and my definition of professional are two different things.

We talk daily, I email, we visit twice a week, we wait...

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Here's Your Sign




He should not have survived. So I hope he takes this as a sign. After 5 attempts he is still here and he has a reason and a purpose to be here. He just has to figure it out.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

And Away He Goes!

Where to begin...

About 2 weeks ago Kenny was court ordered to go to rehab. We found an out patient rehab that insurance would pay for. It worked while he was there but last Thursday night he relapsed and smoked Spice again. Friday I talked with the counselor at rehab and he told me that he though Kenny would qualify for inpatient rehab, which is what we wanted but he had to be evaluated by professionals first. Problem with all this is money. We aren't willing to pay for Kenny anymore, sounds selfish and mean on our part but at some point he has to take responsibility for his life.

So I called his probation officer and told him what was happening. He agreed that it was time for inpatient rehab and the state could make arrangements for him, imagine that! The problem was having to wait for a bed opening and keeping Kenny safe until then... But, the PO got things rolling last week.

Yesterday.

Kenny asked if I had talked with his P.O. I told him I had and that he was working on getting him a place to go. By the way Kenny has been asking to go to inpatient rehab. Kenny said he wasn't going to court because he wasn't going to jail one more time. After talking with him and letting him know the plan he agreed to go, but got high one more time. I hate Spice. I took Kenny to court. We had Lily in tow because there was no where else to take her right then. Kenny talked with the doctor in court. For those that do not know Kenny goes to mental health court which is completely different than regular court. They have a doctor, counselors, mental health professionals all there to help support the people going. Kenny admitted to using Spice to the court so the judge put him in cuffs and he was headed back to jail. He knew that it would be short term, just until a bed opened at the rehab. Standing before the judge he asked a favor of the court. He did not want to be handcuffed and taken away in front of Lily (who was already crying). He would turn himself in on his own after we got Lily home. The judge agreed. So we headed home with Kenny and Lily making plans to take the dogs for a quick walk and then getting some dinner before turning himself in.

That didn't happen...

We got home and I went into my room. Kenny grabbed the keys to his car and bolted. Hubby drove up as this was happening and Kenny told his dad goodbye and that he loved him. Hubby asked what was going on and I thought they had gone on a walk with the dogs! Lily was already on the phone with Kenny telling him to come back so they could walk the dogs. He told Lily to put me on the phone. He told me he loved me but there was no way he was going back to jail and he would be ending his life. I talked with him, his dad talked with him, his brother talked with him, his sponsor talked with him none of us could get through to him. Hubby called the Highway Patrol to be on the lookout for the car and alert them as to what was happening.

At the exact same time hubby was talking with UHP dispatch a UHP officer saw Kenny's car on the side of the freeway (he was headed north by the 4th south exit). The officer pulled up behind Kenny to see if he needed help, again he didn't know there was an alert out for Kenny. Kenny saw the officer and floored it. He went 70 mph into a roadside barrier. He bounced off of it and hit a 1/2 ton pickup truck. Besides a few scrapes, bruises, and extremely sore muscles he is fine. The man in the pickup was not hurt. His car is totaled (three cars totaled now - he will not be getting more from us).

The kicker to all this is that the UHP talked with Kenny's PO officer and took Kenny to jail as soon as he was released from the hospital. So instead of just going to jail and waiting for a bed he is now on suicide watch with means he is in a medical room lying naked to a hard gurney with all his sore muscles and only ibuprofen for pain.

After 5 failed suicide attempts he doesn't understand that it is not his time to go. He is still needed here. He will have a story to share with someone and be able to help them but he isn't seeing that right now. He is a very angry, scared, sad, and lonely man.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Razor Blades and Butcher Knives

Razor blades and butcher knives don't mix well with Spice.

Work and smoking Spice with all the other employees don't mix well.

If you don't already know I HATE SPICE!

The "detailing job" ended up being a great way to smoke spice with others, which lead to smoking whenever he could. Of course when he walked in the house I knew he was high. He can't hide it anymore from us. He doesn't realize he acts and looks different.

He didn't care anymore. I asked him to hand over the rest of the Spice but he didn't know where it was. He really had lost it (hubby found it later outside), but I no longer believe a lot of what he tells me. He got mad because I didn't believe him.

Then the real fun began.  He grabbed a razor blade that he had in his night stand (guess I'll start searching his room) and told me this would be on me and I would always feel guilty because he killed himself. I told him I wouldn't feel guilty because it would be his choice, not mine. He went outside with the razor blade and started cutting himself in our front yard!

I called 911. I told them I needed a CIT (Crisis Intervention Trained) police officer, that my son was high on Spice and had mental illness and that they needed to come without lights and sirens. The only trained officer was clear across town. I waited on 911 watching Kenny through the window as he continued to cut his wrist.

He must have sensed something was up because he came into the house and grabbed a butcher knife. I am telling the operator step by step what is happening. Finally after what seemed liked an eternity I saw 5 officers walking up our street. One had his taser ready. They told Kenny to drop the knife. When they did he took 2 big swipes across his wrists. Then he dropped the knife and complied with them.

They took him away to the hospital. I never went outside and I didn't go to the hospital. I was a little rude when the psychologist called and said that he had talked with Kenny and thought he was ready to come home. We did not let him come home.

He is now in jail. After jail he will go to court mandated rehab. Our insurance will only pay for outpatient. The court wants inpatient. If I am paying for it he will go to outpatient.

I have to say that he did call his probation on his own and tell him what he had done. When he went to court on Monday he was well aware and ready for the consequences. I don't know if that's him growing up and taking  a little responsibility for his actions or if he doesn't doesn't give a damn anymore.

As his mom I am hoping he is taking a little responsibility.

And life goes on...

Sunday, September 11, 2011

It's In The Details

Kenny got a job detailing cars! He works for a family member, which can be a good or bad thing. For now I am just happy with it. I will be happier when he gets his drivers license back in about 2 weeks and can drive himself to work!

He had a little set back recently, but with VERY STERN warnings I think he understands...again...for a while.

Love that boy with all my heart, but I want to slap him upside the head sometimes.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Doughnut Holes

Kenny, the entire family, plus others have been looking for work for him. He gets job offers that I don't trust, so I won't let him take them because I know how they will end (that would be badly).

He applied at a bakery yesterday. They are about to open a brand new store and they need every position filled. He is actually excited about it. Maybe because he loves Maple Bars.

At this point I don't care if he's just the doughnut hole maker. He needs a job.

Clean and sober 30+ days.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Unrecognizable

That is how Kenny describes the food in jail.

Yes he is there now. After his scare in court he came home the next day and smoked spice again.

We really, for real, kicked him out. We also called his probation officer. We aren't messing around anymore.

When he went to Mental Health court they cuffed him and off he went. The kicker is they usually only stay a week but because today is a Utah holiday there is no court so he has to stay for 2 weeks.

We visited him tonight. He's not doing well, but he made his choice and we had to make ours.

We tell him every day to take it a day at a time. Just get through this day.

He calls a lot when he gets out of his cell. It's expensive, but he is worth every penny. The first three days he was in quarantine and only got out of his cell 5 hours a day. I think I would find a good book, but who knows. Now he's in general population and gets out more. He can go outside 30 minutes a day.

We are hoping he will learn a valuable lesson through all of this. If not we will just get back on the wheel to nowhere in his life.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

How Many Tears Can A Mother Cry?

I think this would be an excellent title for my book; if I ever decided to write one.

After all Kenny has been through, last week he decided to start smoking spice again.

I hate spice.

He admitted it straight out. Well kinda. The first time I went into his room and told him it smelled funky and what was he doing. "Nothing, just smoked a cigarette"

I told him if he were smoking anything, especially in his room I would kick his butt out.

Hubby and I left for a 'date' (all we do is talk about our worries over dinner) when we came back Kenny wanted a ride. I knew he was high. Mama's not dumb (blind sometimes). The bloodshot eyes, the swaying, the defiance, they are all giveaways.

He admitted it and added a bunch of really nice words like "I don't give a ----" Then the threats "at least I'm not cutting myself" "I'm not thinking about killing myself when I smoke"

He left. I think he rode his bike. I didn't care right then.

Our date night and any further plans we had for that evening were over. The rest of the night was deciding what to do with Kenny. We decided he was no longer welcome here. Hubby left him a phone message and I sent him a text message.

I cried the rest of the night.

He came home the next day! What didn't he get about being kicked out!! I had already called the probation officer and left a message telling him about the spice and to throw him in jail.

The one thing we didn't want was for him to freak out and break any more doors or walls, so we let him sleep while we went about our day. He got up and asked hubby if he needed help. "No." He asked me for a ride. "No."

Again I cried.

Then hubby had a sit down with him. He told Kenny we were done. Kenny made his choices and we were making ours, blah, blah, blah. I don't think Kenny heard a word.

Still crying.

We called the probation officer again leaving yet another message. We wanted to know how the process worked. Agent 'E' called Sunday night. We told him the story and we also let him know that Kenny was suppose to start work the next day and he had an appointment with his doctor on Tuesday. Work and meds are a priority with me. We came up with a plan.

On Monday, after his first day at his new job, I took Kenny to court. I usually just drop him off but I went in this time. He stayed outside to smoke a cigarette and I went into the court room. He showed up and court was about to start when Kenny said I will be right back. He left his hat, cell phone, and necklaces.

Court started. They called Kenny's name... Just a little stress on my part as I spoke up and said he just stepped out. Agent 'M' was out the door. I sat for a minute and then I too was out the door. Just as I was rounding the corner up walks Kenny and Agent 'M'. He had gone out to smoke again.

Back inside the courtroom they call Kenny's name again. There was way too much noise and little events going on inside the court, too much movement, and it was a substitute judge. Kenny walked up to the stand and the judge started up about how he has missed court last time. WHAT THE...! Then she said spice, then someone interrupted and said doctor's letter (Kenny has to take a monthly letter from his therapist that Kenny is attending therapy.) So, Kenny turns to get the letter and one of the deputies that wasn't paying attention leaps across the room and yells "Kenny!" grabs for him and gets his cuffs out. The prosecutors, defense, and judge tell the deputy to put the brakes on he's just getting a letter. Oh... The court erupts in a whirl of whispers from the others with mental illness waiting their turn to go before the judge. I just shake my head at the stupidity of it all. I mean really we are in a court of law. You would think by now the deputies would know to shut up and listen when the judge walks into the court room and starts talking!

Kenny gives the letter to the court and stands again before the judge. She says spice, not suppose to use it, a week in jail. Kenny is handcuffed and taken away. As he is walking out he stares at me.

I stay in the court room. I know what is going to happen. I wait and listen while others get up and tell the court how their week as been. One woman who's hair is done up very nicely with flowers lets us all know it's her wedding day and she would like to cross state line to go to Disneyland for her honeymoon. One man can't find an apartment because no one will rent to him because he has a record. Another woman is livid that she is still on probation after NINE years (it's actually only been a few, but who's counting). The judge tried to ask her why she thinks she is still on probation and did she think maybe it's because she keeps breaking the law. The woman doesn't know why she's on probation, all she knows is that she is sick of it. I watched the deputy, that rushed Kenny, say "what's wrong with her today, just a bad day?" She has mental illness dumb ass! She was obliviously confused, upset, and yes she was probably having a shitty day. The last one to walk up was an elderly lady with white hair, glasses hanging around her neck and looked as though she had just baked cookies with her grandchild. She had to be someones grandmother. She was just there on business for a loved one. Nope, she was there to plead and start mental health court! I can't imagine what she could have possibly done. I almost want to go back week after week just to hear her story.

The court then brings Kenny back out. The judge tells him they are rethinking things, does he want a week in jail or community service. Hubby and I know this is what is going to happen. Since spice is not really illegal, he's not been in trouble with mental health court before and he has just gotten a new job they are going to give him 10 hours of community service plus a very stern warning. They are not playing games with him and they are not his parents, next time he will go to jail.  I did find out that Kenny did miss a court but it was an honest mistake and he had called the court the same day to fix things. He chooses community service.

As we are walking out of the courtroom he apologized for the dirty look he gave me. He understood that he put himself in that situation not us. I tell him he should ask about community service. One lady, from NAMI, raises her hand and says he can do community service by going to a 3 hour class and then doing some office work. I don't think so.

Today I called the Junior League who is putting on a "CARE Fair" this weekend. They will be providing free medical and community services to the public. I left a message that Kenny needed to do community service and if they needed him to carry, run, push, write, whatever, he would gladly do it. I hope they call back.

I know there are still millions of tears left in me.

Monday, June 27, 2011

ARE YOU SLEEPING, CAN YOU HEAR ME

Kenny is sleeping. Hoping to get him to a job interview today.



Are you sleeping, can you hear me
Do you know if I am by your side
Does it matter if you hear me
When the morning comes I'll be there by your side

And in the morning when I wake up
She may be telling me good-bye, la la la la
And in the evening if we break up
I'm wondering why-y-y, I'm wondering why-y-y-y...

There was a time, we had a time
There was a time, we had a time
There was a time, there was a time
When you were mine

We had a time, we had a time
We had a time, oh what a time
There was a time, there was a time
When you were mine

And in the evening if we go out
Night time will find us at the show
Or we may decide to stay inside
You never know, you never know...

Are you sleeping, can you hear me
Do you know if I am by your side
Does it matter if you hear me
When the morning comes I'll be there by your side

La la la la...

Monday, June 20, 2011

Home or Homeless - His Choice

Hubby and Kenny went on a drive and had a talk last night.

Basically shape up or ship out. Hubby generally has a tender approach when talking to his children (if he's angry - watch out though.) but they seem to understand what he is telling them.

I think Kenny understood. Kenny knows that if he screws up he faces 2 years in prison. He tells us he would kill himself instead of sitting in prison for two years. I believe him.

Kenny has almost a year of probation behind him. He has not missed an appointment with Mental Health Court or his probation officer. Mental Health Court was made here in place of drug court (which they also have here). Mental Health Court has a good theory behind it. It is a very praising, patience court that focus' more on the good that you have accomplished rather than the bad. But most people in it are repeat offenders not because they are bad people but because they have mental illness. Most don't fully understand or have the impulse control to stop their behavior before it gets full blown. When they finally see what they have done they feel terrible. Mental Health Court is family for a lot of individuals going there. 

I really would hate to see Kenny fail now. I know that's up to him.

"We" (hubby and I, not Kenny) have a job in mind for Kenny. We are looking into it. Kenny said he would do it. I'm sure I will have to get him up and going the first little while, but once he gets a routine down he does well. 

Clean and sober going on 3 days. Again.

Thank you for your words they make me stronger and better educated. I would rather be better educated in how to knit.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Shrooms

Mushrooms are Kenny's drug of choice. He relapsed on them last night.

He lied to me. He told me I was dropping him off at a sober friends house when I was really dropping him off at an addicts house. He had it planned.

Two of his sober friends showed up at our house at midnight saying Kenny had texted them and he was in a bad place. He had cut himself again.

Of course we jumped and called out the posse.

This time though we didn't pursue him that hard.

His sponsor finally found him and brought him home about 3:30a.m.

We were prepared to leave him in jail had he ended up there.

We are trying not to lose it completely with him and kick him out when he is so down, but we are ready to let him go if he doesn't turn things around. It's too hard on the rest of the family.

Thoughts on how to handle him would be welcome.

Oh yeah it's just barley the second half of June and we have already met our out-of-pocket portion of co-pay for insurance which is $10,000. We'll just put all that on payments, thank you.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Honestly Honesty

Found out today Kenny stole from us before the attempt. He also told me he found where I had hidden his meds and that he had taken extra he has been home.

I'm glad he told me but honestly honesty sucks to hear sometimes.

Monday, June 13, 2011

He's Home and I'm Losing It!

He was safe in lock up. I didn't have to worry about where he was or what he was doing.

He's home now and although he said things have changes and he's happy and teasing I'm fading fast.

He let his med time slip right by. Yes, I have the meds (well now I don't because he overdosed on them and now I have to refill them - hopefully insurance will pay) but shouldn't he have SOME RESPONSIBILITY IN THIS!

He's in his room with the door closed. One of the major things he discussed was not isolating! He has plans to go a ballgame tonight and has forgotten he has an appointment with his therapist.

I would like a week in pysch.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Visiting The Cuckoo's Nest

We have visited Kenny twice in what he calls the Cuckoo's Nest (I found out he has the movie) full of crazy people.

I had to remind him that he was one of those people. He really didn't understand the first few days why he was there. He just wanted out!

Today he was different. His demeanor had changed. I asked what changes they had made to his meds. They took him completely off one which I had questioned why he was ever on. AND... he had to start taking one the way it was prescribed! Imagine that. I tried to get him to take that medicine right, which was three times a day and do think I could get him to do that!?! He just smiled his big beautiful smile at me like he does.

Butthead.

His dad and I are trying to convince him to take advantage of him time there. Go to the groups, don't sleep the whole time, talk with the doctors. He did make it to two groups today. One was outside which I can imagine he ran to since he has been indoors for days. The second was an art class. I asked what they did.  He said they were suppose to paint how they felt, so silly me said did you paint a flower? No, my son painted a skull figure with upside down crosses in it's eyes and blood coming out of it's brain.  He said others drew flowers though. I told him they were probably lying (about their feelings).

I am looking online for a locked and alarmed medicine dispenser.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Psych Ward

Here we come. Well at least Kenny.

The doctor, who looks like he's 17 years old, blue slipped Kenny. The hospital now has control of my son's well-being and he has to do whatever they say.

I warned the "doctor" that I would not be the one telling Kenny that he was going to the psych ward and whoever did tell him should have security on stand by and a sedative ready. I explained that when Kenny got angry at the doctors last time he ripped equipment out of walls and threw a one of the ten men trying to hold him down into a light fixture in the ceiling.

I also told this now wide eyed looking kid that after Kenny is given the overdose of sedatives because he looks like a red hulk with his neck veins popping and eyes bulging that he will sleep the next three days, while he racks up a whooping bill, then I will get a phone call (the first in three days because there is no contact period) and they will tell me to come and get him so he can go home. Go home with no therapy, no intervention, no advice because some person with a medical degree that doesn't give a rat's ass about by son made a decision about his life after talking with him for 5 minutes.

And the cycle starts all over. 

In the meantime I have left a rather nasty message with my son's probation officer who doesn't feel it is necessary to call me back because Kenny is an adult; even though I said in the 1st message that there was a situation with Kenny. Seriously if you had a mother willing to give you information about one of your mentally ill probation clients would you return the call? The second message was a little more clear when I mentioned that Kenny would not be going to his mental health court or probation appointments any time soon as he was in ICU and there was a good chance he might be dead before his court date in July. I told "AGENT E" that if he wanted to come and find Kenny and throw him in prison for not showing up to these appointments to go for it. Out of the weekly appointments that Kenny has had with this man since about September "Agent E" has shown up maybe 10 times. Kenny has never missed an appointment where he has not had an excuse which he has called before hand and gotten approved. Kenny calls every week when this guy doesn't show up. The agent will tell Kenny he will do things but doesn't and won't even return Kenny's calls so why should I feel bad. I'm just overall pissed today.

On the flipside I am thrilled for my nephew Tony Watson who pitched in his first ever major league baseball game tonight and struck out his 2 batters. So happy for him. Just wish his mom were alive to see the thing they dreamed about forever.

He Attempted Again

Kenny attempted suicide again yesterday morning.

He is angry because we found him and took him to the hospital. He is very angry because he failed.

He told us he couldn't even get killing himself right. He told us we had two perfect sons that had girlfriends, jobs and both went to college; we didn't need him.

He called one of the nurses that gave him one on one phenomenal care a "fat, f---ing, bitch, lesbian. He said he was going to come home and get it right next time. She told him she was sorry he had to wake up where he didn't want too, but while he was in her care he would be safe. Then she turned to us and said you know he will do this again and one day might succeed.

We told her we knew. Just like... oh yay we're ready, we're prepared, what will be will be, life goes on with or without him. THAT'S A LOAD OF CRAP!

I want Kenny here! I want him to be happy! I want him to find a job that he at least likes! I want him to find love!

DAMN IT! DAMN IT! DAMN IT!

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Mom. Mommy. Ma. MaMa. Love You

The title of this blog is the title to the poem Kenny wrote me for Mother's day.

It is a beautiful poem and it's mine so I won't share the whole thing, but I will share a few lines.

Some were funny:
I know you love old western flicks
My loving mother picks
Out freaking amazing socks (yes I do try very hard to find socks that match my boys. I'm glad he noticed)

Some were compliments:
An amazing will

Some were filled with gratitude:
Thank you for everything you've done

I've waited a long time for my poem. It was worth the wait.

Kenny has been in bed since Mother's Day. He has gone to a few AA meetings, met once with his job coach, mowed the lawn, and last night he went bowling with friends. Other than that he has been in bed. He has missed doctors appointments and other appointments. I want so badly for him to feel the sun on his face and be happy.
This is one of my favorite pictures of Kenny

Monday, April 25, 2011

Picture Day

One reason a dog can be such a comfort when you're feeling blue is that he doesn't try to find out why.  ~Author Unknown

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Mental Illness Goes With You on Vacation

Who Knew!?! I was secretly hoping it would stay at home while we went away.

Hubby, myself, Kenny and Lily went for a quick 3 day get away to San Diego. We needed to get away from EVERYTHING (including Bi-Polar Disorder), but that was not to be.

Kenny had a great time and was grateful to us for taking him. It was good to be together and see his smile. His BPD was still there though; his restlessness, his inability to be in crowed places, his inappropriate spitting, his need for things...

I so wanted all that to go away for just a while both for him and for me.


Making mom happy!

Kenny with his favorite animal the wolf.

Kenny and a childhood friend that moved to California.

Scared to see the whales!
 
Kenny loved the front of the boat ~ he is in the gray pants.

We saw 2 mama gray whales and their baby calves - well if you call 18' a baby!

Also lots of dolphins and sea lions.

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Just Give Me A Minute!

I would like to get through one week without drama.

If there is to be drama I would like to better at dealing with it, cause right now I'm a little snippy!

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Ducks

I came home from church to ducks in my front yard.

It made me happy.

I thought I would share.



Saturday, March 19, 2011

Cops, DUIs, and A Really Messed Up System!

Yep, Kenny was thrown in jail again.

Can you believe it was for basically running a red light!!!! Oh the cop also threw in a DUI because he didn't like the way Kenny looked (even though HE PASSED THE TEST!) Kenny was driving on a suspended license that we were never made aware of because the Department of Motor Vehicles won't have their mail forwarded!!!! Kenny would never have been allowed to drive if we had known his license was suspended. In fact we had driven him almost everywhere since July. Jeff went out two weeks before Kenny was thrown in jail and got a cheap car for Kenny to use. He was out about 1:00a.m. to visit a friend who was having a hard time. She was recently raped and Kenny (good ole Kenny) was going to try to comfort her. He went through a red light two blocks from our house (dumb shit!). It cost us over $600.00 to get the car back. The @#^&* tow truck driver towed it less than two blocks! Then there was bail...

The suspended license was do to time when Kenny was too drunk to drive so he had his friend drive, who was also drunk. The friend high centered Kenny's car in the canyon, called us in the wee morning hours to help them. Woke up Kenny, got him out of the passengers side, put him in the drivers set and then took off on Kenny's long board no less. Yeah that car was totaled. Kenny has a few friends that are losers and users. We are trying to weed those individuals out before they cause major damage both mentally and financially!

I'm so angry at the system! Kenny has a great big target on him. Even his probation officer was upset with the situation. The cop thought Kenny had been drinking so he made Kenny take a breathalyzer ~ all zeros. Kenny did all the tests the cop asked him too but the cop still didn't "like the way Kenny looked".  Kenny tried to give the cop the letter that he carries concerning the meds he takes and the cop said he didn't care. The courts have the letter on file, they required it! The cop didn't even look at it! He must have been short! They did do a blood test at the jail. That takes 4 to 6 weeks to get the results. Yeah let's not rush the one thing that could prove someones innocence.

We have lost so much respect for the cops. Yes, they have a crappy job. They choose it though. They signed on to help people. What we have seen is they think that anyone that has ever been in any kind of trouble are liars, druggies, no good, rotten, worthless people who don't deserve a second chance.

Kenny has handled it fairly well. The people at Mental Health Court and his probation officer are understanding and not to concerned about things. They told Kenny not to worry. We all know though that if the DUI sticks and the charge goes through he will get kicked out of Mental Health Court and he goes to prison for two years.

That will kill my son and a large piece of me.

For those of you that follow Kenny's blog he changed his blog address and didn't realize he would lose all his followers http://poetryofaheadcase.blogspot.com/

Friday, February 18, 2011

Hello - Are you Okay?

I have noticed that the blog writings of individuals with mental illness have slowed down. I am hoping it is just because the weather sucks and you're all cuddled up in a blanket watching t.v. or reading a book. That's what I do when the weather gets me down.

I know a one of you went on vacation ~ lucky...

I do know that two individuals are going through rough times. I continue to read and send well wishes and prayers.

The rest of you just say hi so I know you're still around.

Kenny is doing well today. He wrote an amazing poem. It is so him.

Jeff, my hubby and Kenny's dad, is doing well. He is moving slow, but he is moving. He will start blood tests in two months to see if there is any sign of more cancer. This has definitely been a life changing experience for us. Both Jeff and I would like to be in better health. We want to be around to see our children get married and have children of their own. I need to be around for both Kenny and our daughter Lily, who has Down syndrome. We need to get things in order; will, special needs trust, living will. All these things should be and will be done.

Life is unknowing. I am ready and wanting to be prepared for whatever comes my way.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

No Bones About It!

This is a picture of one of Jeff's 12 biopsies filled with cancer.

Okay this is what we know...

It's not in his bones!!!!!!!!!!


But somewhere along the line his doctor missed diagnosing this and it is very advanced. He is right in between curable and incurable (he was told he would see Lily graduate from high school.)

He will have his prostrate taken out Feb 10th. While in the OR the doctor will send biopsies of the surrounding lymph nodes to the lab (along with the prostrate itself) if the labs see any cancer they will tell the doctor where it is at and he will shave off a little more. Then he will get his blood drawn in 2 months and they will watch the PSA if it gets above a certain point they will treat the little cluster of cells with radiation. The cancer is to far gone to treat with radiation now. Getting it now would cause more harm to the surrounding organs (bladder, rectum, "his unit") because the area is so large.

This doctor is the leading dr in Utah for this type of surgery and one of the top two in urology , so we are comfortable with him.

He will be in the hospital for 2 - 3 days and have his own self dispensing drug dripper :-) He will need to be off work for 10 days to two weeks (ha - I'll try to keep him home for 5!)

After the 2 months he will need to be checked every 6 months and we pray that his PSA hasn't increased!

We are going to have a special fast for both Jeff and Julie (this is my sister that was diagnosed with Hodgkin's during the holidays) this coming Sunday, February 6th. We would appreciate your thoughts and prayers during that time or any day of the week!

Go here to read Kenny's poem about his Dad. Just remember some of his poems are very graphic, so if you read other poems you might get an eye full! Kenny is hanging in there. He has had his days like all of us but he is holding his own for now. Lily is the one who is crying daily about her Daddy.

You can go here to read Lily's blog about her Daddy.

Thanks for your love, support, and prayers.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

I Feel Like Screaming But I Can't Breath!

I'm Numb.

Jeff, my hubby and Kenny's dad, was diagnosed with prostrate cancer yesterday. I keep getting told that if you get cancer, prostrate cancer is the one to get. Whoop de damn do! And of course Jeff's cancer is more advanced, because we don't do things halfassed around here.
So not only do I get to worry about my hubby and getting him through this; I get to worry about Kenny and how he is going to react. Last night after hearing the news he just left. I get to worry about my other children as well because they are all reacting differently.
We don't know the treatment yet. They will be taking the prostrate out. He gets a scan on Monday to see if it has traveled anywhere else (the biopsies indicate that it is outside his prostrate.)
Let me give you a run down of my life in tragedies.
2004 - I was in a car accident
Feb 2005 - my brother in law Dale (my sister Julie's hubby) died of Hodgkin's cancer
Nov 2005 - my sister Angie passed away after years of battling malignant melanoma
Oct 2008 - Kenny attempted suicide
Jan 2009 - youngest son broke his back
Mar 2009 - oldest son was crushed by a basketball standard that came out of a wall sheetrock and 2x4's included
May 2009 - Lily and I were in a car accident
Oct 2009 - Kenny was in a car accident
Nov 2010 - my sister Julie (Dale's wife) was diagnosed with the same cancer he died from.
Is this not enough? I know I am strong I have proved it to myself time and time again.
People marvel that we can still smile and laugh. What else should I do? Wallowing in misery isn't going to change things. But darn I would like a break.

That's today.

Tomorrow I will understand that I can handle this when others couldn't so why not us. Other's have suffered just as much if not more so why not us. Tomorrow I will remember that I am never given more than I can handle and that this too will make my family closer and stronger so why not us.

Today I still want to scream but I can't breath.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Well I'll Be

Never thought of this blog as award worthy but I guess someone else does. Thanks Skepticat.

I started this blog wanting to reach out to other parents who have children with mental illness. I need support, wisdom, and comfort. I have not found too many parents yet. I am hoping they just haven't found me yet and not that they are embarrassed or in denial (or just to busy with their loved to blog). What I have found is a group of individuals that are going through the same type of things that my son is going through and it is hopeful and comforting for me to read their journeys and know that they are out there and living life. Logically I know that Kenny is not the only one dealing with mental illness, but there are times when I feel like it, so it's good to read about others.

Today I got this award...



The rules to having this award are simple. I have to tell you 5 fascinating things about me and then nominate 3 other blogs that I find worthy of this award. I should tell you I don't feel very fascinating but boringly normal.

1. I love genealogy and finding the grave sites of family members. I volunteer at Find A Grave taking pictures of local grave sites for people around the world. Walking through cemeteries is peaceful to me.

2. I had dreams about my daughter Lily before she was born and I knew we would be adopting her.

3. For a long time I wanted to be a police officer but after seeing how they treated Kenny I am glad I didn't pursue that career.

4. I was accepted to flight attendant training in 1984, but met Jeff and those plans "flew" out the window.

5. My grandfather committed suicide at the age of 91, in 2001, and I am still angry at his selfish actions.

Now to choose 3 blogs -

First would be my son Kenny's blog Poetry of a Head Case. I'm very proud of my boy.

Second is Jaron's blog All The World's A Stage. This young man is around Kenny's age so I gravitate toward him. He is an amazing writer going through a journey that I understand.

Third is My Black Fog. Like me she has Fibromyalgia (there is reason enough for an award!).

She along with Jaron, Kenny, Skepticat, and all the other blogs that I have come across continue to push forward. We have our days, our moments, but we continue on. We are learning one day at a time that our lives are worth living.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Who Are You Cutting?

First of all Kenny did not have to have surgery on Wednesday! An amazing doctor walked into the room and said that after looking at the xrays the only thing surgery would do right now is pad his wallet and make the xray look perfect. He wants to wait a week and see if it will heal on it's own. The risks of surgery are greater than just having it heal on it's own. It might not be perfectly straight but that is okay with us. Now the kicker, he has to leave the splint on until next Friday! Then he will be put in a cast; which I requested over another splint because I know my son ;-)

Kenny spoke at his old high school again yesterday. He speaks in two different classes. He shares his experience with mental illness and drug use. The high schools in Utah don't do much about mental illness. They do have the Hope for Tomorrow program, but if you don't have an advocate for mental illness in the school there is not much done with this program. They show the same video that they have shown for the past umpteen years.

The students are always encouraged to ask questions when Kenny is done sharing. The questions they ask blow me away! Not things I would have ever dreamed about when I was going to school; too embarrassing and heaven forbid everyone would know your secret!

So here are two of the questions that were asked:
What do you think set off your mental illness? We think drugs might have jump started what was starting to happen with Kenny.
DO YOU THINK CUTTING IS ADDICTIVE? Could you imagine asking that question in high school!

After class a girl came up to Kenny with another girl in tow and began - I love this girl, but she cuts herself and I'm afraid.
Kenny looked at the cutter girl and said, do you hear her? yes Do you believe that she loves you? yes Do you love her? yes...

The next time you go to cut yourself know that you are harming her, you are hurting her.

The students wrote Kenny a letter/comment. He said is responding to each one.

I asked Kenny about his cutting which is scary for me to do because I don't want to set him off. He told me he quit. I'll take that and be happy for now.

To think that Kenny is helping teenagers cope with mental illness and drug use is so encouraging to me. He does have a gift and I hope he realizes it and shares it often.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

StrEsS!

Kenny broke his thumb today. Snapped it right in half. He has surgery tomorrow to put a screw in it. At least he did it at work so we won't have to pay.

He has shaved the hair off on one side of his head!?! Doesn't want to look like anyone else, have the same clothes, shoes, etc.

He is spending too much money on fancy cigarettes.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Those That Prey On The Vulnerable

In the past few days I have read blog posts and facebook posts concerning people that prey on the vulnerable.

I have two children that I think could easily be swayed and it scares me and worries me to the point of being sick at times.

There are terrible trolls and people that get their jollies making fun of individuals with disabilities, especially Down syndrome. They steal pictures off of blogs and other sites of our children and then photo shop these children into terrible situations. There is now a site called Rate A Downs where you rate the picture of the person with Ds. The person who created the website said he would take it down for a ransom. The authorities have been contacted.

In the mental illness world I was surprised by the "Good Christian People" trying to help heal my son. There was one woman who promised my son that if he came to JUST ONE MEETING he would never cut or think of suicide again. I was livid! Here's the kicker - that first meeting only cost $500.00 to attend! If you didn't have $500.00 you could stand outside the meeting before it began and beg for it from members of the group.

He has had at least one that has posted on Kenny's blog that Kenny could follow his blog. When you go to his blog it's all about repentance and forgiveness. MY SON HAS NOTHING TO REPENT OF WHEN IT COMES TO HIS ILLNESS!

After the past few days I have started looking at the people who follow me. I have a person following me on this blog and another on Lily's blog and I now question why they would want to follow the blog. I am not a fabulous writer. I don't have amazing giveaways. Why are they following me?

Let me put it out there to those with alternative motives.
  1. Don't steal my pictures; I will contact the authorities and get you in as much trouble as I possibly can.
  2. Don't try to sway me to your religion. I am very happy and content in my beliefs and religion.
  3. If you try to lead either of my children into a situation that would be harmful to them I will hurt you. It most likely will not be physically, but I will do everything I possibly can to make your life miserable.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Your Higher Power

After reading Tweak and Beautiful Boy I started thinking about who they were praying to? They both state that they are Atheist but when times got completely and totally out of control they prayed to God. What God? Or was it a God? Was it a thought or image instead?

As an infant I was baptised Catholic, but we never went to church that I remember. After my parents divorced I went to the Unitarian Church a few times with my mom, but I was basically tagging along. In high school my boyfriend and family were practicing Catholics so I started going to church with them and received 1st Communion during that time. During this time I was going through the motions but there was no spiritual, uplifting feelings or connection. Those came when I joined the LDS (Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints) Church. I feel whole in this church. I know this is the true church for me.

All my children were raised and baptised in the LDS Church, but by 18 all my boys were given the freedom to worship or not worship as they wished. I was no longer willing to let their sleeping in Sacrament distract me from having my cup refilled. Selfish I know.

So back to my thoughts and questions. In AA's 12-step program you are suppose to hand yourself over to a "God, as we understood him". What if you don't have a knowledge or understanding of a higher power such as; God, Allah, Jehovah, all the Hindu Gods, and so many other Gods, then who are you praying to? And when you get the help you are asking for after you pray, then go back to not believing, then pray again when you are back down are you just pawning your problems off so you don't have to be accountable?

I don't know who Kenny prays to. I am wondering if he has a clear picture or understanding of who his God or Higher Power is. If he doesn't have that knowledge will that jeopardize his progress?

I mean think about it; I don't know if any of Kenny's AA buddies have a clear understanding of who their God is. I wonder if they are making up an image in their mind. Is it someone/something who will always bend to the addicts way of thinking? When things don't go the way of the addict will they then blame their God that they only talk to when they want something?

I think maybe I will talk to Kenny about his God or Higher Power. I think having a God or Higher Power means putting some work into it so you have a knowledge of what it really means to you.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Book Review: TWEAK

This weekend hubby and I went out of town for our 26th wedding anniversary. I am always happy to get away for a few days. I relax, laugh, sleep, eat, play word search, Sudoku and read. I love to read. We got a spa package getaway. I highly recommend a massage and bodywrap for everyone.

The book I took with me was Tweak: Growing Up On Methamphetamines by Nic Sheff. I should start by saying that I read his dad's book Beautiful Boy. Kenny and I heard David Sheff speak at a NAMI conference. I was excited to read Beautiful Boy but was let down; not by the writing or the story. I was hoping it would go more into the mental illness part of the story and it didn't.

Kenny is not and has not been a hard core drug user, no meth, no heroine, no crack, no shooting up anything. At least that is what he has told me, and he is mostly honest with us. Both Kenny and I wonder though if his using pot and mushrooms might have awakened his mental illness.

Anyway, back to Tweak. It was very well written. Nic and his father are gifted writers. But again I was hoping that the book would speak about the mental illness side of things and it did more than Beautiful Boy. I could understand when he was talking about his mind racing and not turning off. When he was finally diagnosed I was happy for him. I thought now he will get the help he needs. Well that is kind of where it ended for me. I was so hoping to find out that he went on and succeeded. Which he does to a point, he wrote a book!

At the back of the book there is an "Afterword" he wrote that he had relapsed. He then started a blog and wrote this: The problem is, I'm f---ing crazy. I'm not saying that lightly, either. I mean, I really am f---ing crazy as hell. In the time since my book ended...I've continued to make a total catastrophic disaster of my life. I've continued to hurt everyone who cares about me. That was back in 2008. I don't know what his status is today. I was wanting answers. I was wanting hope. Nic is just another kid with bi-polar who has up and downs and relapses.

I guess I am still searching for a cure. I know there is not one out there. I still desperately look. I know people with bi-polar go on to live great lives. We, however, are still in the newborn stages, learning to walk with it. I picked up the book loving someone with bipolar disorder by Julie A. Fast & John D.Preston, PSY.D. It was recommended by Megan, one of my blog readers. She also recommended two others that I looked for but couldn't find at Barnes and Noble and now can't find the names of the books (So Megan if you are reading...).

I did get inspiration while I was getting my body wrap. Kenny could be a masseur. Lily and I could open a bed and breakfast or just a little cafe/store/spa where Kenny would give massages and Lily would have a place to work.

There it's settled. Everything is fixed and we'll now live relaxingly massaged and happily fed ever after.