Thursday, December 30, 2010


Yesterday Kenny was 5 months clean and sober. I'm really proud of him!

So why is there a but...

I worry. I fear. I question. I've done this before.

Even though he's clean and sober his moods are still up and down. It's soooo hard sometimes, and sometimes it is great.

I'm jealous that his friends get his thanks for helping him out but his parents don't.

I pray with every fiber of my being that he continues forward on his right life path.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Christmas Post

I am directing you over to Lily's blog to read about our Christmas day.

We had a good day. After reading your comments I let Kenny go snowboarding Christmas day without a second thought. He agreed to meet us at grandma's house later that evening, which he did.

Now to get through New Year's Eve!

Friday, December 24, 2010


Is selfishness a symptom of mental illness?
Is this something I should learn to live with regarding Kenny or is it just him being a 21 year old kid?
I don't like being manipulated and I really don't like being stepped over once I have said no to go ask dad.

It hurts. It makes me angry and cranky.

He labeled himself as the "black sheep" in one of his poems. Notice I said "he labeled". He is the one that does what he does.

He is my son. Always will be, but I am no longer willing or wanting to put up with every whim he has.

I don't think I should have too.

I am angry that he has chosen himself over family at Christmas. I know that if  "I forced him" to join us he would more than likely make things miserable, so I will let him go.

“Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live."
~ Oscar Wilde

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Handcuffs for Christmas

Kenny was put in handcuffs on Monday at Mental Health Court.

He tested positive for


He's not a meth user, never has been.

He begged and pleaded with the judge.

He didn't want to go to jail for Christmas.

She listened to him. She made him go to lab that does a more thorough test.

He found out that a medicine he is taking shows up as methamphetamine in his system.

He now has to carry a letter with him from his doctor stating that his medication will show up as methamphetamine in a UA.

I wonder how many others have been sent to jail because of a legal medication?

He is a lucky man, in more ways than one.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

The Waiting Is Over

My last post was about waiting.

Well the waiting is over.

Things are a mess.

Cops were called.

Threats were made.

Everyone is dull today.

Moving on.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

I Find Myself Waiting

Kenny has been doing so well lately. I love it. But I find myself waiting, wondering, and worrying when things will go wrong.

Is that bad or is it normal?

Since his suicide attempt, my youngest son breaking his back, my oldest son being crushed by a basketball standard, and Lily and I being in a car accident all within 7 months of each other I try harder than ever to have family time. We always wonder if Kenny will be willing to be with us; and if he is with us if he will act decent. For several months things have been so good and I cherish these times.

But I still wait.

I feel bad for waiting.

I hope one day I won't wait.

He is working with his dad today earning extra money to pay us back some of the money he owes us. He got up without so much as a grumble. I know he would rather be snowboarding, but he chose to do the responsible thing.

Last week we took the whole family to This Is The Place Heritage Park Candlelight Christmas. I wasn't sure how the older kids would react to it, but they enjoyed themselves. We danced the Virginia Reel at the school house. Kenny and Lily were partners. They had so much fun being silly and dancing crazy. Again, I cherish these times.
I am grateful for my family.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

My Panic Attack

I went to the doctor for an overall checkup and found out that I am a heart attack waiting to happen. I have high cholesterol that is so high that medication alone will do little for me. I am not a big eater, but having a cattle rancher for a grandfather has made me a steak loving kinda gal.

The other night the new medical info was just a little to much for me and I panicked. I haven't had a panic attack for years. I don't like panic attacks.

After tossing and turning, my heart beating out of my chest, the body jerking (which scares hubby) and the never ending mind ramble I got out of bed and headed for the living room couch.

Well the white blanket wasn't there... This set off a whole other problem for me because at that moment I wanted the white blanket and there is no rationalizing with a woman having a panic attack. I didn't care what time of the morning it was. I knew damn well Kenny had it so off I went. Knocking at his locked door; he was still awake.

I need the white blanket!
What are you talking about?
You have it and I need it!
It's in the garage
What! What the hell is my grandmother's white blanket doing in the garage!!
I was watching movies, it was cold.
Is Taryn sleeping in the garage!?!
What? No!
You don't understand I need the white blanket!!!!

I walked away ranting. At that moment Kenny was writing a poem so he just decided to write about me bitching about a white blanket. He didn't know what was happening with me.

I went back to the couch with some old icky blankets, that weren't my grandma's, threw a pillow to the floor and there was the white blanket.

Sorry Kenny. I am off to buy turkey, chicken and lots of fruit and vegetables. I will discuss exercise later.