Thursday, December 30, 2010

5 MONTHS

Yesterday Kenny was 5 months clean and sober. I'm really proud of him!

So why is there a but...

I worry. I fear. I question. I've done this before.

Even though he's clean and sober his moods are still up and down. It's soooo hard sometimes, and sometimes it is great.

I'm jealous that his friends get his thanks for helping him out but his parents don't.

I pray with every fiber of my being that he continues forward on his right life path.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Christmas Post

I am directing you over to Lily's blog to read about our Christmas day.

We had a good day. After reading your comments I let Kenny go snowboarding Christmas day without a second thought. He agreed to meet us at grandma's house later that evening, which he did.


Now to get through New Year's Eve!

Friday, December 24, 2010

Selfishness

Is selfishness a symptom of mental illness?
Is this something I should learn to live with regarding Kenny or is it just him being a 21 year old kid?
I don't like being manipulated and I really don't like being stepped over once I have said no to go ask dad.

It hurts. It makes me angry and cranky.

He labeled himself as the "black sheep" in one of his poems. Notice I said "he labeled". He is the one that does what he does.

He is my son. Always will be, but I am no longer willing or wanting to put up with every whim he has.

I don't think I should have too.

I am angry that he has chosen himself over family at Christmas. I know that if  "I forced him" to join us he would more than likely make things miserable, so I will let him go.

“Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live."
~ Oscar Wilde

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Handcuffs for Christmas

Kenny was put in handcuffs on Monday at Mental Health Court.

He tested positive for

Meth.

He's not a meth user, never has been.

He begged and pleaded with the judge.

He didn't want to go to jail for Christmas.

She listened to him. She made him go to lab that does a more thorough test.

He found out that a medicine he is taking shows up as methamphetamine in his system.

He now has to carry a letter with him from his doctor stating that his medication will show up as methamphetamine in a UA.

I wonder how many others have been sent to jail because of a legal medication?

He is a lucky man, in more ways than one.




Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

The Waiting Is Over

My last post was about waiting.

Well the waiting is over.

Things are a mess.

Cops were called.

Threats were made.

Everyone is dull today.

Moving on.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

I Find Myself Waiting

Kenny has been doing so well lately. I love it. But I find myself waiting, wondering, and worrying when things will go wrong.

Is that bad or is it normal?

Since his suicide attempt, my youngest son breaking his back, my oldest son being crushed by a basketball standard, and Lily and I being in a car accident all within 7 months of each other I try harder than ever to have family time. We always wonder if Kenny will be willing to be with us; and if he is with us if he will act decent. For several months things have been so good and I cherish these times.

But I still wait.

I feel bad for waiting.

I hope one day I won't wait.

He is working with his dad today earning extra money to pay us back some of the money he owes us. He got up without so much as a grumble. I know he would rather be snowboarding, but he chose to do the responsible thing.

Last week we took the whole family to This Is The Place Heritage Park Candlelight Christmas. I wasn't sure how the older kids would react to it, but they enjoyed themselves. We danced the Virginia Reel at the school house. Kenny and Lily were partners. They had so much fun being silly and dancing crazy. Again, I cherish these times.
I am grateful for my family.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

My Panic Attack

I went to the doctor for an overall checkup and found out that I am a heart attack waiting to happen. I have high cholesterol that is so high that medication alone will do little for me. I am not a big eater, but having a cattle rancher for a grandfather has made me a steak loving kinda gal.

The other night the new medical info was just a little to much for me and I panicked. I haven't had a panic attack for years. I don't like panic attacks.

After tossing and turning, my heart beating out of my chest, the body jerking (which scares hubby) and the never ending mind ramble I got out of bed and headed for the living room couch.

Well the white blanket wasn't there... This set off a whole other problem for me because at that moment I wanted the white blanket and there is no rationalizing with a woman having a panic attack. I didn't care what time of the morning it was. I knew damn well Kenny had it so off I went. Knocking at his locked door; he was still awake.

I need the white blanket!
What are you talking about?
You have it and I need it!
It's in the garage
What! What the hell is my grandmother's white blanket doing in the garage!!
I was watching movies, it was cold.
Is Taryn sleeping in the garage!?!
What? No!
You don't understand I need the white blanket!!!!

I walked away ranting. At that moment Kenny was writing a poem so he just decided to write about me bitching about a white blanket. He didn't know what was happening with me.

I went back to the couch with some old icky blankets, that weren't my grandma's, threw a pillow to the floor and there was the white blanket.

Sorry Kenny. I am off to buy turkey, chicken and lots of fruit and vegetables. I will discuss exercise later.

Friday, November 26, 2010

Interesting Thanksgiving

This Thanksgiving was unlike any Thanksgiving we have ever had.

About a month ago Kenny called me and said, "Mom..." in that voice your children have when you know they are going to ask for something. He went on to ask if we (hubby and I) would be willing to share our home on Thanksgiving Day with recovering addicts.

Well sure why not!?!

We ate traditional Thanksgiving Dinner on Sunday as my parents were going to my brothers for Thanksgiving.

Starting at 12:01a.m. on the 25th people started coming over for the AA 24 hour Thanksgiving Marathon Meeting . They were directed to our heated garage in the back where chairs had been set up and coffee had been made. There was a fire going strong in the fire pit with frozen plastic chairs placed around that I thought sure would crack when sat in.

As a mom I had to hold back with my ideas and thoughts since this was not my event. So when I was handed a frozen solid turkey in the early morning hours of the 25th I just smiled and said I would do my best to get it cooked. And, when the morning came I gave them a coffee cake and they left it out for the dog to eat I didn't offer to give them the other one I had bought for my family inside. Instead I said make sure it is all cleaned up.

I think it helped a few stay safe and sober.

I hope it did.


Still smiling after 24 hours

Monday, November 22, 2010

SNaP oUt oF IT!

What are you doing!?!
                                            You want to be treated like an adult then act like one!
Get over it!
STOP!
What have you done for me lately!?!
What the hell is wrong with you...

I was so angry at Kenny last Friday. He's been doing really well, but there are times when he does things that make no sense at all. He spent his entire paycheck in one day, without paying me what he owes me. Yep, I was pissed, big mean mama pissed. So pissed I called him at work and chewed him out pissed. Then I found out that he had dropped my gas lid and broke it when I tried to put gas in my gas tank and couldn't. Again with that really really pissed feeling! I have no strength in my hands so I am at the gas station yelling on my cell phone at hubby and son #3 to come to my rescue (the lid/handle was broken off, but the screw part was still in the tank with hardly anything to grab on to turn it). The man in the next stall heard me yelling and came to my rescue.

I knew when I yelled at Kenny on the phone he was upset. I even called his boss to give him a heads up in case Kenny started acting out. After I left the gas station I texted Kenny asking if he had broken my gas lid. I wanted him to know I was mad. Mad that things were done AND that he hadn't told me. He apologized for the gas lid. My text back to him "I love you but you are a butthead!" He knew things were okay and he went on to talk about what happened with the money.

So, this brings me to why do parents act and say the things they do. This is in response to at least two blogs I have read where the person with mental illness is angry at their parents for how they were raised and are still being raised even as an adult. I was going to write this post before the deal with Kenny on Friday.

I learned around 30, when I was seeing a therapist for some issues that I was having, that I had to let the past go or it would consume me. For me I didn't have to forgive or forget, but I had to let it go and live today. I also had to realize that my parents made some stupid mistakes, but people do that. And if I know different I don't have to make the same mistakes. I will never disown my parents or a family member. They are mine. I gave a talk at church once comparing my family to my tea cup collection, which I love. I have a large variety of teacups, some are very expensive, some are very old, some have cracks, some have chips, some are mismatched (meaning the saucer and cup aren't matching patterns but I got them as a set, so a set they will stay). These are mine and along the way I will add to my collection. I have my own collection I don't want your collection or your dust, or you chips, or your cracks. I know how to take care of  my collection.

What does that have to do with why parents treat their adult children with mental illness differently. Well not much but I wanted to share another view point.

Back to parents. I gave my son mental illness. I am mortified that I did this. Mental illness runs in my family and although I have dealt with depression for many years the thought of my son going through it deeply saddens me. BUT, I still get upset with him! I know what is happening in my mind, but I don't know what is happening in Kenny's mind. It scares me. It worries me. Yes, it embarrasses me at times. People know normal and they know crazy. The majority of the world lives with normal everyday, but only a few of us get to deal with crazy. We don't know how to deal with crazy and if we are not willing to learn then we will be at a great disadvantage. Parents and family members don't always know where to go for help. Parents depending on the era in which they were born just don't do crazy or therapy!

Help Them! Nicely! Give them a book to read. If they do internet give them a site to look at. They are stressed. They are scared. They are worried. They feel bad and they just might not know how to deal with it appropriately for you. Have you (the one reading this with mental illness) ever had to worry that your child might kill themselves, have a drug overdose, harm themselves or others, drive while under the influence or in an unstable state? No, we don't get it. We don't want to get it! When we get it it makes it so real.

Kenny is my baby. My little boy. I gave birth to him. He was in my body. NO I DON'T WANT HIM TO HAVE MENTAL ILLNESS because I know he is hurting and I can't stop it.

So however your parents react to you try to remember that first they are your parents and I truly believe that the majority of them love you very much and wanted you from the minute they knew they created you. Second, they are acting how they were taught. It might not be how you think but it is the way they think; it's not right or wrong, it's different. More than likely if you asked them I bet they would say they are scared and saddened.

And we know for fact that a lot of times those emotions of scared and sad can come out as anger, confusion, and frustration.




Tuesday, November 16, 2010

For Your Info...

This article just popped up on my google page Can Mindfulness Help Manage Pain and Mental Illness

In Session - Session One

Winter/cold season is not my friend. I have a low immune system so I get sick easily and I also find myself wanting to sit and do nothing when it is dreary outside. Yes, I have depression too!

I will finally be writing about the 3 sessions I attended at the NAMI conference. They were more technical than I would have liked but I did learn some things in each session.

1ST SESSION - "METABOLIC SYNDROME, MENTAL ILLNESS, AND SHORTENED LIFE SPANS: COULD YOU BE AT RICK?" presented by Benjamin Chan, M.D.

Seriously is it not bad enough that someone has mental illness and needs to take medication, but now we need to worry if the medicine will kill us! Geeze Louise!

I didn't know what Metabolic Syndrome was so this class was helpful.

Okay, so I learned that Thorazine was the first "typical anti psychotic" medicine on the market to treat mental illness. It was great at first and was prescribed to everyone. BUT, the side effects started happening; one of which was Tardive Dyskinesia. So at the time Thorazine was the drug of choice even though it blocked a lot of the good things from the body which is need to live a long healthy life.

In the 1990's Atypical anti psychotic medicines were developed. These were thought to be better, but again severe side effects such as a loss of white blood cells that help fight infection were linked to some of these medicines.

Another negative side of any medicine is that they use them in "off label use". This is when they are made for a certain purpose but doctors prescribe them for another problem.

So what did I learn? The most important thing I learned from this class is to get Kenny to the doctor for a complete physical!

He needs to be monitored for the medicine he is taking.

What should be monitored:
  • Weight
  • Blood Pressure
  • Fasting Blood Sugar
  • Fasting Lipid Profile
The worst medicine offenders for Metabolic syndrome in individuals with mental illness are (listed worse to least worse according to Dr. Chan) -
Clozaril and Zyprexa
Seroquel
Risperdal Invega
Abilify
Geodon

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Mom Moments

Grown don't mean nothing to a mother.  A child is a child.  They get bigger, older, but grown?  What's that suppose to mean?  In my heart it don't mean a thing. 
Toni Morrison, Beloved, 1987

Friday, November 5, 2010

"Sunsets and Hurricanes: Is There Peace in Chaos?"

This keynote presentation was given by Brian Miller,Ph.D. at the NAMI Utah Annual State Conference on November 4, 2010.

These are my notes from his talk: (If they post his original talk on line I will link up)

One of the first things Brain said was something like this - NO! THERE IS NO PEACE IN CHAOS! then he asked if there were more refreshments because his talk was through.

But of course he went on...

He explained about his in-laws buying property in a hurricane zone. Every time a hurricane happened it would wipe out everything and then there would be a few follow up tropical storms and then there would be a sunset. And they would start to rebuild.

He said -
A hurricane is a hurricane, it has a beginning and an end.
We need to have patience - when we are caught in a crisis we believe there is no end, but there is.

Mental Illness moved us into the hurricane zone and we can't sell and get out.
We may or may not have a hurricane season ever again, but we have to realize we might and get more tolerance.

We can't see around the corner, we don't know what is going to happen next. So we have every reason to hope we can survive the hurricane season. One can prepare for a hurricane.

The most important movement you can make toward peace is something you create.

“Peace is not something you wish for; It's something you make, Something you do, Something you are, And something you give away.”
Robert Fulghum

“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished 2 bags of M&M's and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
Dave Barry

Peace is the deliberate adjustment of your life to reality.

Look at the bones of your crisis, what can be changed, what can't be changed.
1. You are in a hurricane zone
2. There may be more hurricanes so build your house between hurricanes, build your docks so they float, use removable fencing that can be taken down before the hurricane.
(I took from this to talk with your loved ones, family, friends, doctors, therapists, and make a plan for when the hurricane strikes. What will help you survive the hurricane, do you need to just sleep or do you need a punching bag, what works for you)

Know when a tropical storm is emerging
1. Identify early warning signs for the hurricane.
2. Monitor frequently (daily?) against early indicators.
3. Define what you will you when the hurricane threatens
4. Mentally rehearse keeping panic in check "this hurricane will pass"
5. Remember the hurricane is not the way

HURRICANES MUST BE RIDDEN OUT
AND
NOTICE THE SUNRISE WHEN IT APPEARS

"Go with the pain, let it take you.... Open your palms and your body to the pain. It comes in waves like a tide, and you must be open as a vessel lying on the beach, letting it fill you up and then, retreating, leaving you empty and clear.... With a deep breath--it has to be as deep as the pain—one reaches a kind of inner freedom from pain, as though the pain were not yours but your body's. The spirit lays the body on the altar."
Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Brian also highly recommended reading the book Crazy Like Us by Ethan Watters.

I will be posting more information I got more the conference, but right now I have a sick child. Hopefully this is just a gust of wind!

Thursday, November 4, 2010

My Feather's Were Ruffled!

I grew up respecting and trusting the police. I taught my children to respect and trust the police. When Kenny was arrested in July I lost a ton of respect and trust for the police. Don't get me wrong what Kenny did justified him being arrested. It was what happened afterwards that made me lose respect and trust. It was the lies and false promises made to Kenny and myself by police that flat out floored me! We are not the only ones that have dealt with this. A lot of people arrested are given false promises by police in return for information. What I didn't know was that police can't promise you anything in regards to your case. Once they have written the report and handed it over to prosecuting attorney's it is out of police hands. They can suggest things to the attorney but the attorney does not have to listen or do anything that the police say. Another thing I learned is that if you are not the arresting officer and you promise the moon to the inmate or family member that promise cannot be upheld if the arresting officer and prosecuting attorney aren't on board. Police can recommend charges but can't impose them.

So yes I look at police much differently now.

Today I was at the NAMI conference. There were a lot of police officers there. I think it must have been due to the fact that Duane Cardall was a keynote speaker. Utah has plans to develop a statewide CIT program and again I think this has to do with the tasing of Brian Cardall. So I think the officers were there to learn, but I don't think they all wanted to be there. Today during one of the sessions the speaker was talking about the side effects of anti-psychotic medicines, one of which is Tardive Dyskinesia. One of the officers next to me started mimicking the symptoms! I was appalled! During the last session one officer was right next to me and he was writing on his conference evaluation. His hand writing was so large I could read most of it. He was complaining about Duane Cardall and how police were victims too!

Victim's of what! If he feels like he is a victim he shouldn't be a police officer! I hope that these two officers are never called out on a case where someone with mental illness is involved because I saw their true colors today. They didn't come across as caring about individuals with mental illness and they seemed like they would be bothered by people with mental illness.

I feel like I am fighting a losing battle when it comes to advocating for my son. My feather's were ruffled today.

Monday, November 1, 2010

He Makes An Ugly Girl!

Kenny is always doing things last minute. He is definitely a spur of the moment type of guy. So Saturday night he came to me and said I don't have a costume for Halloween so he was just going to dress up as a girl. He asked if I had a wig. No! If I had one I would wear it to cover up this limp mop of fine hair on my head. But... we did have a wig out on one of the mannequins we were using for a Halloween display.

He got the wig, got a shirt out of my closet, and then asked me for a bra. I don't know any 21 year old men that would want to wear their mother's bra except for Kenny. He also wanted full makeup. When Kenny is in his funny mood anything goes. He knew his friends would flip.

I enjoy these times with my son. I would have liked to have seen his friends faces when "Kendra" walked in.

He changed the hat to one that fit better and he made me even out his eye liner!
Lily LOVED having another girl in the house!
Yep, that's my boy!

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Our First Visit From Agent E

Last night about 9:30 we got our first unannounced visit from Agent E and Agent M. Agent E is a very nice man and I know (well he told me) that he likes Kenny and hopes that he will be able to help Kenny and keep him going forward. We chatted, we were friendly, except for Kenny's dog Ryker who jumped all over him and Lily. Lily was scared to death that they were coming to take Kenny to jail. I even invited them to sit down!

But darn it there is something about a man or group of men that can walk into our home anytime and look through our drawers and closets that is just disturbing to me. I know, I know you reap what you sow... I also know that if I were to put a lock and key on my bedroom door they wouldn't go through it, but I don't want a lock and key on my bedroom door.

Kenny wasn't even here last night. He was at an AA meeting. He is never home at night. So, for the next two years I will be gracious and kind and open my doors to these men who may or may not go through my underwear drawer.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Utah HAPPENINGS

I will be listening to a lot of people talk in the next few weeks. If you are in or around Utah you can join in on the listening.

October 27th at 7:00p.m. KUED (I believe channel 7 throughout Utah) will be telling "the powerful story of people in Utah living with severe mental illness and their struggle in a world that often turns away. It is titled "On the Edge."

Immediately following that at 8:00p.m. is a follow-up program with community experts and resources.

Then on November 4 from 8:00a.m. to 5:00p.m. at the University of Utah Union Building (200 S. Central Campus Drive, SLC, UT 84112) is the NAMI Utah Annual State Conference.
Speakers will be:
  • Duane Cardall - "My Two Sons: A Divergent Medical Experience"
  • Noel Gardner, MD, MDiv - "Finding True Healing"
  • Gary Burlington, PhD - "Measuring Recovery"
  • Leon Evans "A Focus on Community Living"
  • Brian Miller, PhD "Finding Peace in Chaos"
  • plus topics on Grief, Metabolic Syndrome, Alcoholism and Mental Illness, Community-based options for youth, Community-based Programs for the Uninsured, Raising a Mentally Healthy Child of Color, Crisis Intervention Teams (CIT) for Youth
There is a cost, but well worth it. Kenny will be joining me for the NAMI conference and hopefully will join me when I watch the T.V. show. Tonight though Kenny went to the Utah symphony to listen to The Haunted Symphony. I hope he enjoys it.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Calling All Parents

Since I have started the journey with this blog I have found several blogs written by people with mental illness. They are coping. They are finding their way. I have hope.
I would like to see more parents blog. I want to connect with them. I want to know how they handle situations. There are a few that I have found. I will follow them. I wonder if parents are embarrassed, ashamed, or just plain to busy to blog about their child. I know I could use my time more wisely, but I don't want too.
Those that have commented on my blog have left great words of advice. Of course if  anyone does leave a negative comment I will just delete it.
Back to the blogs I have found. They are talking about the same things that Kenny deals with distorted reality, sleep problems, ups and downs, and downs and ups. I am glad I started this blog. I think it will be helpful.
As for Kenny. He has slept all weekend, except at night; which isn't new. He got frustrated Friday night and threw my cornbread that I had made for a church party. He is damn lucky that it didn't get ruined!!!! I made him take Ryker to the puppy training class on Saturday. He said he was taught how to make Ryker wait at the door, but he couldn't remember what they told him. Luckily he brought an instruction sheet home. He goes to AA every night and played on an AA softball team. Friday night was his last night of softball, they got the sportsmanship award. I am sorry to see that it is over. It got him out and exercising, even though he smoked almost every time he came off the field. Tonight he called me to ask if our house could be used for the Thanksgiving 24 hour AA meeting house. We have a great setup that would allow us to host something like this so I said yes. Guess I should go talk this over with hubby now.

Friday, October 22, 2010

My Side of Suicide

We knew a few weeks before the actual event that Kenny was not well. His older brother and I were driving in a car talking about how we were scared. We were both crying knowing that there was nothing we could do. I was also angry because I didn't know if Kenny knew that life would go on without him.
Then Jeff got the call.
We were downstairs, trying to go somewhere with Lily. I knew by the tone something was wrong. Then I heard the words cut his wrists. I think I screamed. I remember Lily crying. No one was home to take care of Lily. I started calling the boys, no answer. I called Henry's girlfriend, she answered. I didn't care where she was or what she was doing she was to get over to our house right away. Jeff told me to go ahead of him. He would wait for Brynn.
My mind was numb. I was trying not to speed, not to panic, not to completely lose it. I called my mom. She didn't answer. I left a message, I wish I hadn't. The first word was "MMMMMMMMMMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!" a gut wrenching wail. She told me later when she listened to the voicemail and heard that first word she hung up the phone.
I got to the hospital. THEY MADE ME WAIT! When I got to his room he was out of it. His left wrist had been loosely bandaged. His friend that brought him to the hospital told me what happened. It was all because of a girl.
It seemed liked the doctors and nurses were moving at slow speed. This was my son! He was dying! They were trying to figure out what Kenny has taken. I tried to ask him. That's when I realized how bad he really was. He was incoherent. He was drooling. His eyes weren't focusing. I started listing his meds. He nodded when I got to the one he took. What we didn't know was that he had taken a lethal dose of Tylenol. He had taken at least a third of a bottle containing 500 pills. What we also didn't know was that the amount he had taken could cause liver failure very quickly. As soon as the blood work came back and the doctors saw that they started giving him IVs full of an antidote. It was already to late to try charcoal.
The doctor then started to work on his wrist. I wasn't prepared for what I saw. Kenny had not only gone across his wrist, but up his wrist. The doctor said he was serious. I found out going up the wrist is worse.
I didn't want to learn those things about Tylenol and how to cut a wrist, but I did. I didn't want to call my parents, friends, and Kenny's doctors to tell them what my son had done. I didn't want people telling me I should go home and rest. There was no way in hell I was leaving my son.
That was two years ago. Kenny still struggles. I still worry. I don't like to look at his wrist. The other day I got a glimpse of it. The scars are fading. Life goes on.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

A Few Moments

Last night we had a few moments together as a family. It was good. It did take some doing to get Kenny to come up and eat with us, but we sat at the table together. Then that fighting in a cage show was on so we all went and watched two grown men pummel each other into bloody pulps (Dancing with the Stars was not on).
I would watch the fight show all day long if it meant time together as a family.


Lily likes to take random pictures, she captured this one of Kenny and his dog Ryker

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Agent E

With Kenny's recent trouble with the law he now has a probation officer, Agent E. The first time we met Agent E he told us to be at his office at a certain time and day. Kenny tries to work full time so we asked if we could change it to a day when Kenny had other required meetings so Kenny wouldn't lose so many hours. Agent E agreed.
Well, Agent E has only made it to one of the 4 scheduled appointments. The one appointment he did make it to he made it clear to us that basically the whole family is on probation.
As long as Kenny lives in our home:
  1. we are not allowed to have alcohol or drugs in our home (no problem for us, we don't drink or do drugs)
  2. we are not allowed to have knives anywhere but the kitchen or a tool box (my son Tim is a chef, so we had to get special permission to have his knives in his room)
  3. we are not allowed to have guns or ammo anywhere on our property (not even an empty shell casing) this could lead to TEN YEARS IN FEDERAL PRISON for Kenny if these items were found on our property.
  4. Kenny cannot move from our home without Agent E's permission.
  5. Kenny cannot go on vacation without Agent E's permission.
  6. Our home can be searched any time day or night.
  7. He can't keep company with convicted felons unless at an organized AA activity (that's fine with me!)

So at the last court meeting some guy came up to Kenny and told him to be at the probation office on certain morning. I called Agent E and told him the conversation and he told me no, Kenny needed to show up on the scheduled day and if he (Agent E) wasn't there to talk with Agent M. Well we went to the scheduled day and again Agent E wasn't there so Kenny tried to talk with Agent M. Agent M told Kenny he would not talk to him and to show up on the morning that Agent E told us not to show up at - aaaggggggggghhhhh Agent M is an arse!

My husband and I are responsible people and we have taught our children (even Lily) that they need to be responsible for their actions. Kenny has done very well to try and right his wrong. He is trying to be responsible but the system is making it very hard!

Monday, October 18, 2010

Then He Goes and Does This!

I found this on Kenny's blog today along with one about his older brother.


SUNDAY, OCTOBER 17, 2010

My Little Angel

Lily, you're my little angel,
Your laugh is like the sound of a beautiful bell,
Your presence is absolutely breath taking,
When you smile I know you're not faking.

You couldn't be a better little sister,
You're so fun to play with, you're a little trickster,
You bring joy and happiness to my heart,
Ya little stinker, you've always got a better fart.

You've made our family better in so many ways,
It's funny when you repeat what your big brother says,
You're amazing Lily and that's a fact,
Whenever you need me, I've always got your back.

You're so cool Lily, my little sis,
When you're not around, it's you I miss,
It's so hard to see you cry when you're sad,
You're a perfect little girl, nothing about you is bad.

It's so cool how fast you learned to swim,
Your big brothers are Henry, Kenny, and Tim,
You're our sister, and we'll always love you,
I love how you put 100 percent in everything you do.

Lily, your family loves you so, so, much,
If anyone picks on you, it'll be me giving them a punch,
Lily, let me know if there is anything I can do,
Love you Lily, and i know you'll always love me too.


I want my son to be happy.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

I'm Sick of It!

NOT a good day today and it's only 10:30 in the morning!

I am so tired of bouncing all over the emotion ball with Kenny. Saturday mornings are for Ryker's dog training classes. I asked Kenny when we signed up and I paid $125.00, if 9:00 on Saturday mornings would work for him. Oh yes! Are you Sure? I'm sure!

Well it didn't work this morning!

We got to class, but I knew Kenny was not there. He had zoned out. So here I am trying to keep a 60 pound puppy under control and get a zoned out Kenny to participate in class. Kenny finally handed me Ryker's lease and walked out. He didn't just walk out though he also had to throw his puppy training bag in the parking lot! Yeah that's real classy.

I'm sick of him not caring about my feelings. He could care less if he embarrasses me in front of others. I really don't know how much of that he can control and how much is attention/control over me. So, I get to just let it go! Don't stir him up to really get him going and bash holes in walls.

Hubby is not a real help either! A$$hole! His advice. "Get rid of him!" My response "WHO KENNY!" I'm not getting rid of the dog now. I've invested to much and I'm attached to the damn dog.

It's going to be a crappy day today.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

The Money Tree is Withering

Kenny is impulsive.

Being that way has caused many problems for him and for me. He works a full time job, actually about 65 hours with all the appointments he has during the week. He gets paid every two weeks but the money doesn't last that long. I must say he does pay bills first. I am very proud of him for that. The rest though does not go to savings to buy a car or to save for school it all goes to things, stuff, clothes, cigarettes, food, Cd's. Then of course when it's gone he comes to me. I am learning to say no.

He has close to $1,000 worth of car stereo equipment sitting in his room because all his cars have either been wrecked or driven to death. His grandmother give him stock for his college, that went to rehab (I would use that money for that again if needed) but it is all gone now.

His recent legal stuff is costing $250.00/hour for an attorney. We won't do that again, and he knows it. It's like a one time get in big trouble pass. Next time he will get a court appointed attorney.

I am still paying on hospital bills from his last car accident and the monthly meds cost hundreds of dollars. I know I am not the only one out there dealing with the expenses of a sick child. I believe we would all do it over again for our child, but it's hard. It's hard not being able to go on family trips or worrying when the next doctor's office is going to call for their money. Car insurance will go up because "his friend" drove Kenny's car up the canyon, got it stuck, blew up the transmission (totaled the car) then put Kenny in the drivers seat and bailed. Kenny was so drunk he didn't have enough sense to tell anyone he wasn't driving. "Friends" will be another post!

The one thing I did allow Kenny to get was a dog. I thought getting him a companion dog would be a good thing. Well, most of the time Kenny is gone and he goes where the dog can't go. So I am now stuck with this horse of a dog that has to have food and puppy training classes. The dog, Ryker, is growing on me. Just one more thing to take from the money tree.

How is your money tree weathering the seasons?

First day we got Ryker


Ryker got caught inside the bunny cage with Bunny


playing dress up with Ryker - don't know if blonde's have more fun or not!


Tuesday, October 12, 2010

A Good Day

Today has been a good day. When Kenny has a good day we all have a good day.

He was told at work by another coworker that he had done a good job which in turn made the coworker look good and it also made his job easier. Things like that can make such a difference in anyone's life.

Kenny went to see his therapist. That went well too. He came out and told me a joke. I just looked up the meaning of the word he had told me and never before realized it was a dirty phrase so I will leave the joke out of my post! But, when Kenny is telling a joke all is well.

I then took Kenny to the high school where he graduated from. He has remained good friends with a few of the teachers. One of them asked him to come and talk to the class about mental illness, drugs, jail, and then Kenny read some of his poetry. The students were able to ask him questions. Kenny is very truthful, so I think it may have opened some kids eyes.

These kind of days are few and far between right now. I cherish them.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Loving My Son

Will anyone ever love my son?

A lot of his pain comes from girls. He smothers them with love. He picks the ones that need saving. I'm sure he does that so he doesn't have to focus on himself. He would be a good pick. He works hard, he's very good looking, he's funny, he's spiritual, he's smart, he's good with kids (well at least Lily, most of the time)he loves his family. We have treated any girl he brings home with respect and kindness. Although there was one that we were very happy to see gone!

His other two brothers have been in long term relationships. His oldest sister is married. His father and I have been married 25 plus years. Lily even has a boyfriend. I want him to find someone that will stay with him for a long period of time.

I contacted one old girlfriend (before they were committed) asking her if she was prepared to get involved with Kenny. I told her what his history was. I told her he would treat her like a queen, but he would want to help with everything. Of course she ignored me. They dated for a while and then she left him. He went downhill.

Is there a girl out there for him? One that will put up with his mood swings, his really really funny sense of humor and his lower than low depressions. Does he look at AA or NAMI? Does he find someone with a history of drug abuse or mental illness that will understand where he is coming from? Or, does he find someone who has never done drugs and is somewhat normal in her thinking so she doesn't have the possibility of slipping and bringing him down?

I want my son to have the experience of loving a person who will laugh with him until tears run down his cheeks and someone who will think he is still handsome and desirable when he thinks he is old and fat.

We can cure physical diseases with medicine, but the only cure for loneliness, despair, and hopelessness is love. There are many in the world who are dying for a piece of bread, but there are many more dying for a little love.
Mother Teresa


A good catch

Friday, October 8, 2010

All Rise

Kenny was always a good kid, still is. But, he is compulsive doesn't think things through.

So imagine how I felt when at 3:00a.m. one day in May when I get a call from the county jail. On the other line is Kenny, in tears.

He's been arrested.

I asked him if he was okay but I was angry. What now?!? We have had to deal with speeding tickets and car accidents. Most of the car accidents were not his fault, but either way they are a pain to deal with.

This was not a speeding ticket or a car accident. He got caught with drugs.

I was speechless. I was sick of my stomach. I was terrified. I wanted my baby boy home so badly at that moment and I couldn't have him.

Then I found out that my oldest son knew and hadn't told us. I was furious! The police had told him not to tell us to let Kenny do it. For clarity, my other son, Henry, was not with him when this happened but when Kenny was arrested he told the officer to call Henry to come pick up the car.

Well, the next day I called a friend whose husband is an attorney and asked him for references for a good attorney. We got one, he's very good, he has done an excellent job.

Instead of jail time Kenny was sentenced to what is called Mental Health Court. Every Monday he has to go and stand before a judge and tell the Court how is life is going. He has strict conditions that he has to comply with. Show up to court, no alcohol, no drugs, no spice (YES, this is nasty stuff!) There will be random drug tests. He has to continue seeing his therapist and bring a note from the therapist stating he is talking and taking his meds. He has to check in with his Probation Officer "Agent E" every Wednesday after he goes to his NAMI Connection class. NAMI is not actually court ordered and he was going to it before he was sentenced, but the Court highly recommend he continue going. The Court also wants him to continue with AA.

He is sentenced to do this for 2 years. If he fails to comply with any one of these conditions he could be put in prison, not county jail, prison.

Kenny knows this. He's been told this. He understands this. I actually think he enjoys being able to go before the judge and say today I am 70 days clean and sober. Everyone claps for him. I hope and pray he continues to go.

Yes, I take him every Monday. I want to. We (hubby and I) rarely let him drive anymore. So, I have cleared my calendar every Monday and Wednesday for Kenny. I take him to make sure he gets there and he is on time. I take him so I can clap for him. I take him so I'll know if he's not in compliance, put in handcuffs, and taken off to jail. I'll know this time.

Jail is not a place I like to visit my children.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

FALLing

I use to like fall a lot more than I do now. Years ago by this time in October all the decorations would be up, and the front window painted with a Halloween scene. Not so much anymore, although I am working on getting things done.

I get interrupted more now than back then. Kenny cuts now. Kenny attempted suicide in October 2008. Fall is no longer the same.

I have heard for many years that people suffer more from depression in fall and winter. I know I get more down in the winter season when it's darker and colder out. The medical field has now given this a name SAD (really they couldn't come up with a better name?!?) Kenny's APRN NP suggested he get a therapy light. We got him one that looks like this, but we got it at Costco and it didn't cost as much as this one. He uses it a lot. I really don't know if it works or not. I am going to try it one day, maybe for my Sane Time.


I had no idea back then, when Kenny went as Abe Lincoln for Halloween, that Lincoln had mental illness.